Darcy and the Avengers
by quirkygirlwithatazer
Summary: Darcy Lewis, research assistant extraordinaire, moves in with a super secret boy band. Chaos, romance, and Tasing ensues. Alternately: how Darcy meets almost everyone in the Marvel universe.
1. Welcome to Stark Tower

They say curiosity killed the cat. But if cats have nine lives, exactly how curious do they have to be to get themselves killed? This was a puzzle that had bothered Darcy her whole life. She liked knowing things: things about people, things about programs, things about books, things about science, things about…things. So was it _really_ a big surprise that she wanted to know everything possible about her new group of friends? Her boss's boyfriend was a Norse god; he lived in Stark Tower alongside a supersoldier, a woman with a very specific skill set, an archer who did not miss, a scientific master who couldn't master his anger, and a self-labeled "genius billionaire playboy philanthropist." And now Jane, her boss, was moving in there as well. Which meant that Darcy was moving in, too. So she might've hacked into S.H.I.E.L.D.'s databases looking for information on her new roommates. So she might've peeked into some classified files. So she might know what, exactly, happened in Budapest. That knowledge wasn't going to get her killed, right?

That was the last thought Darcy had as she stepped in Director Fury's office. As she stood nervously in front of his desk, Fury turned slowly, leaned over his desk, and steepled his fingers. "Ms. Lewis, how exactly did _you _manage to access files that only myself, Agent Hill, and the World Council have access to?"

Darcy shrugged. "I'm a research assistant. That's what I do. _Research_." However calm Darcy appeared, internally she was freaking out._ I can't believe I just sassed Fury. This is almost as surreal as that time I Tased Thor…_

Fury sighed. "I would prefer if your 'research,'" he said, making air quotes, "didn't involve hacking into classified government files."

Darcy held up her hands in a gesture of innocence. "I didn't hack…per se…" she said. "I more just called in a few favors."

Fury sighed again. This trainwreck of a girl was set to move in with his most volatile team in less than 24 hours. What trouble would she cause? "Just don't."

A quick grin flashed across her face before it was replaced by a look of mock penance. "Yes, sir." She said, mock saluting.

Fury just shook his head. "Agent Hill, will you please escort Miss Lewis out of the facility?"

Apparently, Darcy still had a few lives left.

* * *

For all the crazy weird things Darcy knew about her new roommates, she was actually looking forward to living in Stark Tower. Anything would be better than her shitty seventh-floor walkup that only had functioning hot water one day out of the month. As she pulled up the van that held all her worldly possessions (illegally double parking, but whatever), Pepper Potts came out the front door of Stark Tower.

"Welcome, Darcy. Jane has been eagerly waiting for you." Pepper said with a smile.

Darcy hopped out of the van and smiled back. Pepper Potts was a little intimidating in person. Not because she was mean, or scary, but because she was so perfectly put together. Darcy felt like a sloppily dressed child next to Pepper's Chanel suit and Louboutin heels. You wanted to hate her, but then she'd do something super nice like have your favorite obscure tequila at a party because she knew you were coming. "Are you sure I'm not imposing? Because really, this seems like a little…much."

"S.H.I.E.L.D. feels that for the team to function better as a team, it would help if they were in closer contact. And since we have all this space, Tony offered the Tower as housing."

"Um…okay." Darcy said with a shrug. "So where do I toss all my shit down?"

Pepper gave an elegant little laugh. "Follow me. I'll give you a tour while the boys move all your stuff to your floor."

"Floor?" Darcy said with a gulp. "I get a whole floor?"

* * *

Darcy was officially stoked. Stark Tower won the award for most awesome place to live, ever. 1st floor: garage. 5th floor: gym. 8th floor: media suite. Floors 8-12: R&D. (Jane's research was on the ninth floor.) Floors 15-20: Business. Floor 21: Party room! Any floors above that were private residences.

Darcy's own suite of rooms actually shared a floor with a most massive library. It seriously rivaled the one in _Beauty & the Beast_. Darcy lusted after this library – and she got to live next door to it! There were so many books containing so much information. Life was going to be good.

* * *

**Darcy Lewis's List of Why Living in Stark Tower Will Be Awesome:**

1. Private floor. Fuck yeah.  
2. Library. (See above).  
3. Jane + Thor = getting laid Jane. Getting laid Jane = Happy Jane. Happy Jane = less babysitting duties for Darcy!  
4. Unlimited supply of Poptarts.  
5. The obnoxious amount of hot men with great asses.

* * *

After unpacking – which took way too long, in Darcy's opinion – she wondered down to the seventh floor to check in with her boss. Jane nodded to her when she walked in, then went back to her computer screen.

"Yo, boss. This is like, the most badass research facility we've been in." Jane just nodded. Darcy shrugged. If Jane was still being uncommunicative, Thor must not be back from Asgard yet. "What do you need me to do?"

Jane pointed to a desk. "I've written down a list of articles I need for my next paper. Both physical and digital copies, please."

Darcy ambled over. Time to do what she did so well: research.


	2. Captain McHotPants

After a week of tracking down obscure scientific articles with titles she didn't fully understand, Darcy was ready to _not_ work. She was ready to explore Stark Tower and ogle all the….I mean….meet her new roommates.

The only problem was…it was 4 a.m. Which meant that most normal people were in bed, catching a few last hours of sleep before they woke up to begin their day.

But then again – none of Darcy's roommates were exactly normal.

* * *

**Darcy Lewis's List of Things I Need to Do:  
**1. GET MY IPOD BACK FROM S.H.I.E.L.D.!  
2. Find out when Thor gets back.  
3. Plan party for said return.  
4. See if Tony can supercharge my Taser.  
5. Meet Captain McHotPants, the archer guy, and Doctor Whatshisface.  
6. FIND MY WONDERWOMAN CONVERSE. They have to be in a box somewhere…  
7. Feed Jane.  
8. Also, convince Jane to shower.  
9. Send thank-you to Dr. Selvig for his help with finding articles.

* * *

After getting lost on the business floors (twice), Darcy hopped into the elevator and pushed a button at random. She ended up on the gym floor. Damn. Darcy and the gym were mortal enemies. She was turning around to head back to the elevator when she heard the sound of someone boxing.

So she creeped. She totally creeped. And boy, was she glad she did!

* * *

Steve couldn't sleep – which wasn't surprising, if he thought about it. So he spent an inordinate amount of time boxing at all hours of the night. As he threw his last punch, he heard someone applauding in the background.

He quickly turned around, prepared for the worst. Instead, what he got was a pint-sized girl in glasses who looked vaguely familiar.

"Damn, son, what are you, the Energizer Bunny? That was some pretty fancy footwork, if I do say so. And I should know. I mean, I used to date a boxer. He was dumber than a box of rocks, but sure pretty to look at. It's too bad that he started throwing fights." She paused for a breath. "He favored the left feint-right uppercut, but I see you're more of a right-left hook kinda guy. Do you always box at 4 in the morning? That just seems a little excessive. Like, there are way more exciting things to be doing. Do you know where Tony installed the PopTart dispenser? He told me he would install one."

Steve just stared at her. Did this girl ever stop talking? "Excuse me, ma'am?"

The girl gave a throaty laugh. "Oh, I forget. You probably don't know what a PopTart is. They're wonderfully unhealthy but delightfully sugary mass-produced breakfast pastries. You know, if you're going to continue your midnight boxing, you're going to need a proper playlist. Like, definitely the Rocky theme…oh, and "Catch Hell Blues,"…hmm…I'll make you one. It'll be fan-damn-tabulous."

Steve just scratched his head. "Ma'am, I don't follow."

The girl hopped up and linked arms with him. "Come on. I'll explain while we search for PopTarts. I'm Darcy, research assistant extraordinaire and a pain in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s ass."

* * *

Internally, Darcy was fangirling like nobody's business. _Ermagerd, I'm on a 4 a.m. PopTart search with Captain McHotPants. This is awesomesauce….except for the whole him not talking and calling me ma'am thing. That's a little weird. Like strange-weird, not kinky-weird._

Both in her mind and physically, Darcy took a deep breath. "So, I've introduced myself yet I still don't know your name. What terrible manners you have, sir. We're on an adventure. I should at least know your name."

Darcy watched as CMHP (Captain McHotPants) blushed. "Sorry ma'am. My name is Steve Rogers. Where exactly are we adventuring to?"

"We are adventuring in search of the fabled PopTart dispenser."

"I don't even know what that is."

"That's the point! The best adventures happen when you don't know what you're looking for."

* * *

As they looked, Darcy rambled about how she and Jane met Thor and their relationships to the Avengers Initiative. However, after searching for an hour, Darcy and Steve admitted defeat. Steve quite properly escorted Darcy to her floor. "It's been…interesting." He said with a slight laugh. "Until next time, ma'am."

Darcy gave her best saucy bow. "I await your expert PopTart leadership, Sir Quester."

Steve just shook his head as he walked back to the elevator.

* * *

The next morning (or rather, a few hours later), both awoke to packages sitting on their respective desks. Steve's contained a strange, shiny disc in a plastic case. On the label of the case was written, in decidedly feminine handwriting, a list of what Steve assumed were songs – only he didn't recognize any of the artists. He smiled to himself. Darcy at least followed through on all her talk.

Darcy, on the other hand, found a rather official looking dossier folder on her desk, along with a small package wrapped in brown paper and another official looking envelope. The note inside said:

_Miss Lewis,_

_Director Fury was slightly impressed by your ease in accessing our database. In return for not arresting you for treason, S.H.I.E.L.D. was wondering if you would be interested in doing some contract research for our team. Top secret, need-to-know, tell no one basis only. The dossier is your first assignment; consider the package as a forward payment._

_Please bring the completed dossier back to S.H.I.E.L.D. by 0900 hours, Thursday._

_Thank you for your cooperation._

_Agent M. Hill_

Darcy put the note down and opened the package.

**AW YISS! DARCY GOTS HER MUTHAFUCKIN IPOD BACK!**


	3. Inappropriate SHIELD Office Attire

_What does one wear to drop off a dossier at SHIELD? _These are the kind of difficult life problems Darcy Lewis was facing. She had to go from SHIELD to Jane's lab to her third job at GRL so she **really **needed an outfit that would perform triple duty. Unfortunately, none of her jobs had anything in common when it came to wardrobe specifications.

Darcy finally decided on a sleeveless pencil dress with a blazer over it. She added a scarf to hide the low(er) neckline of the dress, stockings, and black suede pumps. She threw her trusty Wonder Woman converse (she had finally found them in a box with her kitchen utensils) in her oversized tote, along with a lab coat for when she got to Jane's.

* * *

**Darcy Lewis's List of Things in Her Purse:  
**1. Taser (duh.)  
2. The necessary electronics: iPod, phone, tablet, Kindle.  
3. Electrical tape (for fixing the toaster.)  
4. Extra shoes.  
5. Five different shades of lipstick.  
6. PopTarts (for bribing Jane.)  
7. Trashy romance novel du jour.  
8. Six different Moleskine notebooks (for making lists, duh.)  
9. Highly classified SHIELD dossier.  
10. Wallet, with access card to Stark Tower.

* * *

Darcy was late. She hated being late. But was it really her fault that some cray cray was spouting nonsense about the Avengers in the subway so she maybe accidentally on purpose Tased him to defend her roommates? At a quarter after nine, Darcy rushed into SHIELD headquarters, purposefully ignoring the agent tasked with escorting her to Director Fury's office. He was too busy staring at her rack to give her proper directions, anyway, so Darcy just left him standing outside the elevator while she quickly hit the door close button.

However, ditching her SHIELD escort gave Darcy a new problem: she didn't have the right access cards to go anywhere in SHIELD. So she had to wait for the elevator to open again and her escort to catch up. After an obnoxiously long elevator ride (in which she memorized the codes to get to Fury's; you never know when _that _might come in handy) she was finally at her destination. 20 minutes late.

Darcy rushed into the intel room, talking a mile a minute. "Sorry I'm late, but I had to Tase this guy on the subway and apparently that's frowned upon in polite society so I had to flash some cleave to distract him to get away and then your dumbass escort wouldn't walk fast enough to keep up with me so I had to wait on him and did I miss anything important?"

As everyone turned to look at her, Darcy realized that she had seriously miscalculated when it came to getting dressed this morning. Every single person – male and female – had on severe black suits with white button downs. Simple black ties for the men, ugly black flats for the women. None of the women even had jewelry on! Such lack of individuality was seriously distressing for Darcy.

* * *

Maria Hill smiled quickly to herself. The girl was ridiculous, and broke all the rules, but she had some backbone, and Maria had to respect that. It was hard to be taken seriously if you were a woman in a male-dominated field, and it must be especially hard for Ms. Lewis, due to her…physique. Every strong woman deals with it in her own way; Maria's way involved a very serious demeanor and skill with a gun. Darcy's apparently involved using words as weapons and using her ostentatious personality to distract people from how smart she was.

For Maria knew that Darcy was smart – like, Stark levels of smart. She had singlehandedly accessed folders that very few people could get into, even some that Maria herself hadn't seen. So it was Maria that had convinced Director Fury to give the girl a chance – to turn her like Hawkeye had with Black Widow.

Maria coughed to gain control of the room, which was full of new intel recruits. "If we could get back to business, Ms. Lewis?"

* * *

Darcy automatically snarked. "Oh, don't let little ole me stop you, Agent Hill." She said, in her best fake Southern accent. A few of the other recruits snickered, but most just looked shocked and appalled. Darcy just smiled wickedly as she crossed her legs, letting the seams on the backs of her stockings flash.

"As I was saying, you have all been given dossiers to complete. We actually have completed versions of these files already. These were more of a test to see not only how competent your research skills are, but just how much you are able to find out on such short notice. If you will leave your folder on the desk when you leave, we will contact you about whether or not you will continue in this program based on your work with your assigned dossier. You are now free to go."

Seriously? Darcy had frantically ran around New York and SHIELD just to be told this fuckery was a test?! What utter and complete bullshit. Oh well. At least it gave Darcy a little free time before she had to be back at the lab. As she stood to leave, a douche-y looking SHIELD agent blocked her path. "Um…excuse me?," she said, avoiding eye contact while trying to maneuver around him.

"Hey, Tits-for-brains. Why don't you just leave now and spare yourself the embarrassment? 'Cuz it's obvious that you won't be back." He said, smirking to the two other guys around him.

Darcy snapped her head up. "What did you just call me?" she asked, murder in her eyes. "I'll have you know that 1) I've already hacked into SHIELD once, 2) I live with the Avengers, so your punk ass doesn't impress me at all and 3) I've Tased a legit, living and breathing Norse god. So don't doubt that I would have any qualms about doing the same to you." She said, holding up fingers to emphasize her points. "So get. The fuck. Out. Of. My way."

Douchebag just laughed. "Oh, that's cute. I'm sure all those things are true."

Darcy reached into her oversized tote and pulled out her Taser. "Wanna find out?" she asked, cocking a hip as she aimed the weapon at his crotch.

He laughed, but Darcy could see the fear beginning to creep in at the corner of his eyes. Agent Hill quickly slid in between them. "Now, Ms. Lewis, you and Agent Grayson will possibly be working together. I'm sure you would like to have a conducive working relationship, and that does not involve Tasing anyone."

Darcy sighed and lowered her Taser. As Agent Hill moved from between them, Darcy quickly raised her arms again. "Fuck that," she said, as she shot him in the groin.

The last view Agent Grayson saw before he passed out was the seams on Darcy's stockings as she sashayed out the door, dropping her dossier on Agent Hill's desk.

* * *

When Darcy got back to Stark Tower, she came bearing gifts for all the scientists in the lab: Starbucks! And PopTarts! Jane just greedily grabbed hers and went back to work, but the two men just stared at her while she handed out her goodies.

"Coffee, black, for you, Stark, and green tea for you, Dr. Banner."

Dr. Banner cleared his throat as he accepted his drink. "Uh, thanks. Call me Bruce. But how did you – And who – "

Darcy smiled. "I'm Darcy, Jane's research assistant. But I don't really speak science so I'm more here to organize, get food, know where the fire extinguisher is, and to make sure that all scientists interact with the real world at some point in the day. And the how of it is that I know what every resident of Stark Tower drinks because facts like that come in handy. And I like to know things."

Both men just looked at her for another moment. "Is that rack real?" Tony Stark finally asked.

Darcy rolled her eyes. "Yes, it's real. No, you can't touch it. Anything else?"

Jane piped up. "Where have you been? We've been here for hours and now I can't find any of my notes from New Mexico."

Darcy just shrugged. "I overslept," she said, the lie easily rolling off her tongue. Fury and Agent Hill had made it very clear that no one know she was working for SHIELD now too. "Eat your PopTart while I find your notes." All the scientists went back to work, drinks in hand, while Darcy slipped out of her heels and into her Chucks. As she started organizing boxes of notes, Darcy smiled. It was nice to feel needed.


	4. Bars and Elevators

After several hours of science-y things (by everyone else) and Angry Birds (by Darcy), Darcy insisted that it was Real World Time. Tony had to go to a board meeting, and Bruce mentioned that he needed to get his meditation for the day in. So Darcy packed up Jane and led her up to her quarters.

"Gurrrrl," Darcy said, drawing the word out. "You need to shower. You never know when your man is going to be back so you need to at least smell presentable at all times."

With that comment, Jane started crying. Such outbursts weren't terribly unusual for Jane, not since Thor had gone tripping back down the rainbow bridge, and Darcy was prepared. She pulled some tissues out of her purse and handed them to Jane as she maneuvered them to the couch. Jane took them, blew her nose, and then laid her head on Darcy's shoulder. "I just miss him, you know? He's the only man I've ever dated that thinks my brain is just as fascinating as my ass."

Darcy patted Jane's shoulder. "I know, sweetie, I know." In her head, Darcy marveled at how her relationship with Jane had progressed. They had gone from strangers to boss/incompetent intern to something between friends and sisters. It was nice.

After about 15 minutes of quiet weeping on the couch, Jane pushed herself up. "You're right, Darce. I'll go shower."

As Jane walked into her bathroom, Darcy swiped her access cards for the lab. "And no science tonight! You need a break. Drink some wine, watch a terrible movie, and go to bed. That's Dr. Lewis's orders!"

Well, two jobs down….one more to go.

* * *

Darcy's third job was a little unusual – but then again, so were her other two. As she walked toward GRL, Darcy pinned her hair up as she mused about the bar.

GRL was a burlesque club – which in and of itself was unusual – but it also was a mutant bar. It was owned by a woman named Raven Darkholme, who was seriously the most gorgeous woman Darcy had ever seen, even if her hair changed colors more often than Modesty Blaise's. The patronage and staff were about 50/50 in their mutant-human ratio. Darcy liked working there; most of the patrons were very polite, and none of them ever tried to grab her ass. She worked a few shifts here and there – mainly just Thursday and Friday nights when Raven was short-staffed.

As she walked through the back door, she nodded a greeting to the bouncer. In the back, she changed back into her heels and ditched her jacket and scarf. Grabbing a tray, she went to work serving drinks.

* * *

About an hour into her shift, Darcy heard a slight poof and noticed a man at a table that had previously been empty. She smiled to herself – one of her favorite patrons was here! She loaded her tray with drinks and went to say hi.

"_Guten Abend, _Kurt." She said, placing a drink on the table.

The slight man in a trenchcoat smiled at Darcy. "_Guten Abend, Fraulein _Lewis." If it wasn't for the blue skin, yellow eyes, and fangs, he would seem practically normal. "Is Miss Claire de Lune singing tonight?"

"Of course. Her set should begin in a few minutes. Enjoy the show!" Darcy wondered over to another table, where a stocky man with a cigar in his mouth and some serious sideburns sat. She sat an imported Canadian beer down on his table. "Hello Logan," she said, a wicked smile starting to curve over her face.

The man gave a quick grin and took his beer. "Hello, doll. What've you been up to?"

Darcy smiled as she leaned against the table. "Well, let's see….I hacked into a government database again, which is way easier than you would think, and I Tased this one guy because he was running his mouth in the subway and this other guy because he called me stupid, and then I impressed some scientists with my coffee skills and then managed them into being normal and then I came here."

Logan raised an eyebrow. "Is that all?"

Darcy pretended to think for a moment. "Yup, that's pretty much it."

"Does your mouth ever not move a mile a minute?" Darcy giggled as she shook her head no. "Between you and Wade, it's a wonder my ears haven't fallen off in protest of too much chatter."

Darcy leaned down and gave him a chaste peck on the cheek. "You secretly love it." She whispered in his ear. Logan attempted to snake his hand around to her posterior, but Darcy wiggled away before he could succeed.

Darcy really did love all her jobs.

* * *

Either Clint Barton was seeing things, or there was a girl sitting on the floor of the elevator, eating what appeared to be a roast beef sandwich, at 3:30 in the morning.

She waved. "Hey. Would you hit 23 for me? Moving is too much of an effort right now."

Clint hit the button, along with the one for his floor. As he watched the strange girl out of the corner of his eye, she took a huge bite of her sandwich, leaned back and moaned. And _Jesus Christ on a crutch_, did that make Clint's blood start to race. The girl was all lips and breasts and hips and acres of pale, pale skin that begged to be touched.

"So, I'm assuming you're Green Arrow, because the Assassins Two are the only ones I haven't really met yet. Did you really attempt to blow Loki up with an arrow? Because this one time I Tased Thor, so that must make us blood brothers or soul mates or something. But why a bow and arrow? I mean, I get the fascination with ancient weaponry – Lord knows I love me some swordplay, if you know what I mean – but that just seems like bringing a knife to a gun fight."

Clint just stared at the girl sitting on the floor. With a sigh, he lowered himself into a seating position and held out his hand. "Woman, do you ever stop talking? I'm Clint."

The girl smiled as the archer sat next to her in the floor. She shook the offered hand. "Darcy. I'm Dr. Foster's research assistant." She held out her sandwich. "Want a bite? Because this baby is giving me a foodgasm and it would just be rude not to share in the fun."

Clint took a bite of the sandwich and nearly moaned himself. "Wha is dus?" he mumbled around the food in his mouth.

"An ultimate tri-tip sandwich. Basically it's a shit-ton of beef between two halves of a toasted, garlic-buttered sourdough loaf. AKA my one true love." Darcy said before she took another bite herself.

He swallowed. "It's good." And so the two sat on the floor of the elevator, sharing the sandwich and talking about their respective experiences with Norse gods, until it reached Darcy's floor. As the elevator dinged, Darcy stood up. "See ya later, Green Arrow." He admired the curve of her ass as she walked down the hall to her room. He was definitely going to spend more time in the air ducts around the lab.

* * *

As Darcy dropped her bag on the floor of her living room, her tablet gave a shrill little ring. _Definitely going to change that to something cooler_, Darcy thought to herself as she pulled the offending piece of technology out.

Darcy had set up a notification system on her tablet that basically let her know when any new information arose about her new roommates. _Technically_ she wasn't supposed to still be accessing SHIELD's databases, but…oh well. As she accessed the folder – an e-mail exchange between Fury and Agent Hill – she let out a little squee. Thor would be back tomorrow!

* * *

**Darcy Lewis's List of Things Needed for Thor's Homecoming Party:  
**1. Tequila. Well, booze in general, but definitely tequila  
2. Her guaranteed-people-please "Obnoxious Table Dancing" Playlist  
3. Something sexy for Jane to wear  
4. Tony Stark's party floor  
5. All the cool people


	5. Sorry for Party Rockin

Somehow, Darcy managed to slip Jane's passkey to the lab back into Jane's room before Jane even noticed it was missing. She also convinced Jane to put a little effort into getting dressed today; she might have mentioned Fury and a surprise visit in the same sentence. Darcy dropped Jane off at the lab and made her way across town to the best coffee shop she'd ever found.

As she exited to shop, she noticed the clouds starting to accumulate in what had, ten minutes earlier, been a pristine blue sky. She smiled to herself and rushed back to Stark Tower. Good thing she got extra coffee!

* * *

Thor's arrival was surprisingly sneaky, considering that the Asgardian prince had no guile whatsoever. There were no lightning cracks, no ominous rolls of thunder; it was simply one minute only Jane and Darcy were in the lab, and the next there was a hunk of hot blond warrior staring at Jane as if she were the only thing in the world.

Jane, of course, was totally oblivious. So Darcy waved to Thor, who grinned like a baby and waved back. Darcy coughed, trying to catch Jane's attention. Jane still was focused on her notes, so Darcy tried a different tack. "Jane, SHIELD dropped off some research for you. I'm going to go harass Stark while you play with it," she said, gathering up her things.

About 30 seconds after Darcy slipped out the lab, she heard Jane's excited squeal and Thor's booming laugh. Things were probably going to be very un-science-y in the lab for a while…

* * *

Darcy wondered into Tony Stark's personal lab. AC/DC was blaring, so she assumed it was just Tony in there. "Yo, Stark? Wanna blow things up with me? The blond with a hammer just showed up, so I'm pretending that Jane has given me the day off so she can go sex up her man."

Tony's head appeared from behind a complicated piece of machinery. "Did you just say 'blow things up' and 'sex' in the same breath?" Darcy shrugged as she sat on the counter, dropping her bag to the floor. "Any chance that bourbon will be involved?"

Darcy smiled as she pulled out her phone. "That's for tonight. You are graciously throwing Thor a homecoming party, so start sending out some e-vites or whatever it is you do for a quality rager. Plus, doesn't Pepper have a rule about mixing science and alcohol?"

Tony sighed. "Yeah. Never the two shall meet."

"Women are _such_ a buzzkill." Darcy deadpanned.

But then he perked up. "Point Break is back? And I get to throw a party?" At Darcy's nod, Stark pulled out his phone. "So, Miss Lewis….does tequila make your clothes fall off?"

"No, tequila makes me bi." Darcy said, never looking up from her phone. To this day, she considers this as one of her favorite moments in life: the first time she made Tony Stark speechless.

* * *

**Darcy Lewis's List of Things That Happen at Most Excellent Parties:  
**1. Darcy plays her "Obnoxious Table Dancing" playlist  
2. Darcy ditches her shoes (found on top of the mantel)  
3. Darcy does body shots off of a hot someone's abs (Clint, Fandral, Agent Hill)  
4. Darcy dances on a table top (the bar, but it counts)  
5. Darcy convinces all the ladies to be on the table with her (Jane, Pepper, Maria, Natasha, Sif)  
6. Darcy sets the bar on fire (thank you, Bacardi 151)  
7. Darcy makes out with someone (uh…?)  
8. Darcy wakes up to multiple people sleeping in a gigantic-ass pile (wait..is that…?!)

* * *

There were reasons why Darcy and Jose Cuervo weren't friends, but Darcy always seemed to forget those reasons…until she woke up the morning after. This morning, Darcy woke up to someone's hand shoved underneath her boobs, her leg wedged between a different someone else's, a dark ponytail thrown across her face, and one hell of a hangover. They'd all fallen asleep in the floor of the party room.

As Darcy started to extricate herself, she took note of who was in her pile. There was Clint…and Fandral…and Sif…and was that Agent Hill?...and an expensive blonde supermodel…and a famous religious football player… Another successful party.

As Darcy wove her way through the room, she recovered her shoes, and managed to snag a half full bottle of champagne and a carton of OJ. Good thing Jane had given her another day off…

* * *

AN: Sorry this chapter is kinda short, but in the scheme of things, it makes sense. I promise that we will see some more group interaction/fun times/actual conversation in the next one.


	6. Normal Foods

AN: So this chapter is mightily long, and finally getting into some ship action. Enjoy!

* * *

A little over two weeks had passed since Thor's party. Darcy had finally managed to create a schedule for not only herself but for Jane as well. Darcy got up at six every weekday morning to go work out; how that had happened, she wasn't really sure, but it had something to do with Fandral (and then Thor, after he left) teaching her how to swordfight. 7:00 am – shower, 8:00 am to noon – SHIELD, 12:30 pm to 6:30 pm – Jane's lab. Thursday and Friday nights added 9:00 pm to 3:00 am – GRL. Saturday was spent lazing about, catching up on world news and new books.

This Sunday morning, however, Darcy awoke to a frantic text from Jane. _Need help in lab. Having minor breakdown. _Darcy sprinted out of bed, threw on clothes and all but ran to the lab. Fuck wearing shoes or her glasses or combing her hair. The last time Jane had a 'minor breakdown' had resulted in the toaster being blown up and 20 pages of Jane's notes being incinerated in the ensuing PopTart carnage.

As Darcy rounded the corner, she ran smack into something – no, make that someone. "Ohmigod, so so sorry!" she sputtered nervously.

"No problem ma'am," a deep voice said, righting her.

Darcy squinted at the person in front of her. "Steven, my PopTart quester, is that you? I can't really tell because I don't have my glasses on because there was absolutely no time. There is no need to call me ma'am; Darcy is just fine. Have you seen Jane? Apparently Bad Things (yes, the implied capital letters are totally necessary) are happening and I'm the Bad Things Cleanup Crew."

* * *

Steve smiled down at the hurricane in front of him. He had enjoyed their midnight foray, and had been hoping to run into her again – just maybe not quite so literally. He had tried to catch her at Thor's party, but some blond woman had all but cornered him until Natasha rescued him. Parties had never been his thing, so he'd left early and apparently (according to Stark) missed all the fun.

"No ma- I mean Darcy. I was on my way there to drop off something for Stark, though."

Darcy took a deep breath. Steve couldn't help but notice the effect it had on her…chest. As soon as he realized what he was looking at, though, he averted his gaze – but not quick enough to stop the blush from rising on his face. "All right, Steven, brace yourself. This may or may not be a war zone in the making."

Steve doubted that, but if it was, well...he was Captain America. He could handle it. Or so he thought...

* * *

Darcy walked into the lab, the Boy Wonder trailing behind her like a lost puppy. She had noticed the slight blush on his face, and had caught him glancing at her rack. _Oh yeah, Captain McHotPants just checked me out. Ten points to Gryffindor!_

Darcy took stock of the lab. Nothing was smoking; no papers were even out of place. The only thing that was wrong was that Jane was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor, crying. Darcy immediately ran over and sat down beside her. "Honey, what's wrong? Did the new interns misfile your notes again?"

Jane sputtered. "No! I just got here and tried to make coffee and somehow I burnt it! And then it smelled so awful that I thought I was going to vomit. And then I opened up my computer and had an email from my parents telling me about my cousin's wedding that I missed because of this stupid research and I just really – miss – normal!" Jane said, ending in a body-wracking sob.

_Since when was Jane hormonal? And since when did coffee not smell right? _Darcy threw her arms around Jane. "I know sweetie, I know." She said, patting Jane's back and rocking her as if she were a small child. "How but I make pot roast for dinner? You can't get more normal than that."

Jane sniffled. "With the egg noodles and green beans?" At Darcy's nod, she added "and something really sweet for dessert?"

Darcy opened her mouth to suggest pound cake when she heard an uncomfortable cough. "Um, excuse me ladies, I'll just…" Steve said, as he sat the folder on the nearest desk. He backed out of the lab, looking extremely uncomfortable. _The American Dream is scared of tears? _Darcy noted, slightly surprised.

As he left, Darcy pulled Jane to her feet. "Now honey, I want you to go back to your rooms and do nothing more strenuous than lay on the couch with your man and cuddle. Be at my rooms at 6:30 bearing wine, and I shall reward you with normal."

Darcy ran down the hallway outside the lab to catch up with Steve. "Heya Steven, you any good in the kitchen?" she asked, linking arms with him. At his confused look, Darcy added, "Because Jane is being mega-freaking-hormonal, I am making pot roast with all the fixins for dinner. You're invited, btw. But I need assistance and since you're the first guinea pig I found…"

Steve gave her a small smile. "Well, my ma always said I could burn water, but I am a good guinea pig."

Darcy laughed. "JARVIS, will you tell Tony, Pepper, Clint, Natasha and Bruce that we're having dinner at my place at 6:30? Come bearing wine."

"Of course, Miss Lewis. Any preference on blend?" a well-articulated voice said from the ceiling.

"Any red is fine. Tell them the menu is pot roast and if there are any dietary restrictions they can suck it up and eat it anyway." She turned to Steve. "To the grocery!" she said, striking a heroic pose.

Steve glanced at her feet. "Don't you need shoes for that?"

* * *

**Darcy Lewis's List of Foods that Qualify as "Normal":  
**1. Pot roast and egg noodles  
2. Green beans  
3. Sourdough rolls  
4. Tossed salad  
5. Chocolate chip cookies

* * *

Steve watched as Darcy flitted around her kitchen, obviously in her element, as he was so out of his. They had gone to five different groceries, searching for all the foods that she insisted were "normal." Steve had insisted on carrying most of the bags of food, leaving Darcy with only the one that held bread and fresh lettuce. Instead of using Stark's industrial-sized kitchen (with three ovens, no less), Darcy had insisted on using the smaller one in her suite of rooms. So they had gone up to her floor, and Steve reluctantly followed her into her space. She had immediately kicked off her shoes and plugged her pod thing into some speakers. As she directed Steve where to put things, Darcy put on an apron and pulled out the various kitchen implements they would need. As she bustled around her kitchen, prepping vegetables and mixing cookie dough, Steve just watched her and tried to stay out of her way.

And that was how Steve Rogers, for the first time in his life, was in a woman's home unchaperoned and out of his league. It made him a little uncomfortable – until Darcy turned and smiled at him, a smudge of flour on her nose. "Having fun yet?"

Steve smiled. "A pretty dame is making cookies and promising to feed me. What fella wouldn't be having fun?" he said, the compliment for once coming smoothly off his tongue.

"I don't know about pretty dames but these cookies will be pretty damn delicious." Darcy said with a self deprecating laugh. "Will you put the pot roast in the crock pot, please? If we start it now, we have time to eat a sandwich before the cookies have to be in the oven." Steve did as directed, and Darcy passed him a plate with a BLT and a glass of milk. "You look like the type." She said as he looked at the cold glass in his hand.

Darcy hopped up on the counter as she ate her own BLT. Steve wished he could sketch her in this moment: her hair, haphazardly held up by two chopsticks and her glasses, was beginning to fall down, as was the neckline of her shirt, sliding over one shoulder and exposing a delicate left collarbone. She had on a frilly apron over sweatpants and had flour across her nose and cheekbone.

Darcy stared back at him. "What?"

Steve shook his head, trying to clear out his daydream. "I think this may be the longest I've heard you go without saying anything," he said, attempting to make a joke – then immediately blushing. "I'm so sorry, Miss Lewis, that was uncalled for."

Darcy leaned back on the counter and laughed. "No, Steven, it's perfectly all right. I realize that I talk a mile a minute. To be honest, it's a defense mechanism – one that's been hard to break." She shrugged. "But when I cook, I go someplace within me that's…quiet. All I need is my playlist and my ingredients and I'm peaceful. I guess it's my way of meditating like Bruce does."

Steve looked at her, trying to see past the mouth and the witticisms, yet failing. "Why do you call me Steven?" he asked, suddenly curious.

Darcy looked at him, her blue eyes wide and innocent. "It fits you." After a slight pause she added, "Plus, I dunno…I feel like I'm seeing this part of you that no one else sees. To the public, you're Captain America, defender of our land. To the rest of the team, you're Rogers or Cap, their fearless leader. Or, you're Steve, who is the precious, technologically inept baby. But, I just feel like that night or morning or whatever when we wandered around the tower, you were just…relaxed. Like you were just some random regular dude I met, not a superhero."

Steve stared back into her eyes. He didn't know what to say. This girl had seen that hidden desire of his heart, that need – an overwhelmingly desperate need for - friendship; here she was now, offering it up with a side of chocolate chip cookies. But the manners his mother had instilled in him kicked in, so he simply said, "Thank you."

Darcy gave him a cheeky smile. "You're welcome." As she hopped down off the counter, she added, "Now, how good are you at shaping cookies?" As Steve held up his large hands, she laughed. "Good point. Why don't you just make yourself comfortable while I finish up the baking."

"Ma- I mean, Darcy, I feel bad just leaving you to do this on your own."

"Steven, I don't mind. When I requested your help, I really just wanted some company so I wouldn't have to talk to myself." Darcy explained as she placed balls of dough on a cookie sheet. "Plus, having you hear means I'm less likely to eat all the cookie dough."

"In that case, do you have a pencil and some scratch paper? I like to sketch." Steve said, with a slight blush. He followed Darcy's directions and found some in her living room. So he sat at the chrome-and-Formica table, so much like the one that had been in his mother's kitchen, and sketched the lively girl baking cookies. He watched as she spun around the kitchen, singing along with whatever song was softly playing in the background. Every so often, she would bring the bowl over and offer him a bite of dough. It was an oddly…domestic scene, and Steve felt surprisingly…content.

* * *

Darcy danced and sang as she baked cookies, almost – but never quite – forgetting about the superhero sitting at her kitchen table, apparently sketching her. She shared the leftover bits of dough, and every so often Steve would ask about the song playing on her "Tastes Like Home" playlist.

But then, one of Darcy's all-time favorite songs started playing ("Pumpkin Soup" by Kate Nash), and Darcy felt like a little mischief. So she sat the last batch of cookies down to cool and pulled Steve up from the table. "C'mon Steven, let's dance."

Steve just stared at her. "I- I- I don't know how." He stuttered, obviously uncomfortable.

Darcy smiled as she took his hands. "Dancing now isn't quite as structured as it was then. Just move, darlin', and enjoy the moment."

Steve somehow managed to spin her and not trip over his own feet. As the chorus started up for the second time, Darcy stopped and patted her cheek. "Do as the song says, Steven!" At his confused look, Darcy sang along. _I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, I just want your kiss…._ As understanding (and another mighty blush) bloomed across his face, Darcy gave him a mischievous smile. "Just on the cheek. Consider it payment for the cookie dough I graciously shared."

Steve bent down and brushed a featherlight kiss across her cheek. Darcy put a hand on her hip. "That was a bullshit kiss, Steven. Let me show you how it's done." She pulled on his collar, bringing his face equal to hers. She slowly traced her hand over his cheekbone. What was intended to be a silly little prank to make him blush was suddenly becoming something much more…intimate. Darcy paused for a second, and the two stared into each other's eyes. She slowly leaned for and pressed her lips to his cheek. It was a chaste kiss, originally meant as a joke, but now Darcy wished it was for real. So she put as much comfort and hope as she could into a simple kiss on the cheek, then pulled back.

Steve's face was bright red, and now had a smudge of flour from her hand. Normally, Darcy would make a flippant joke, and the moment would pass, but she couldn't bring herself to open her mouth, let alone speak. Steve finally broke the heavy silence. "I'd better go clean up before dinner," he said, nervously putting his hands in his pocket.

Darcy gave a soft smile. "Okay. See you in a little bit, Steven."

He started to leave, then came back around the corner. As he handed her a folded piece of paper, he snagged a few cookies off the plate. Darcy attempted to stop him, but there was no way she could catch a super soldier attempting to ruin his dinner. As he left, she unfolded the paper. On the page was a drawing of her, using the wooden spoon as a microphone as she sang along with Florence + the Machine. At the bottom was a little note: _For the pretty dame who made me cookies. You were right. They are damn delicious. Steve_

It was at this moment that Darcy Lewis fell deeply and irrevocably in love with Steve Rogers – only she didn't know it yet.


	7. A New Kind of Family

_Family is a funny thing,_ Darcy thought as she swirled the wine in her glass, studying the people around her. Family, she decided, wasn't limited to the people you were related to by genetics. If that was the case, Darcy had no family – at least, none she wished to claim. But sometimes, life made up for one's unfortunate relations by giving you people that become something even more than family. This family was an odd one, no doubts about that, but with no other group of people had Darcy ever felt so…complete.

* * *

After Steve had left, Darcy wondered back to her room, a soft smile on her lips…until she saw her reflection. "Jesus Christ on a crutch!" she exclaimed, noticing the deplorable state her hair was in. Darcy frantically unpinned then repinned the crazy curly mass into something resembling respectability. She traded sweats for a simple white tee and an olive green skirt that twirled ever so nicely.

Darcy mentally counted place settings, and realized the table was uneven. So she whipped out her phone and sent a quick text, determined to make things even. If her 7th showed, it would be an interesting dinner.

* * *

The first knock was thirty minutes later. "It's open!" Darcy called out as she arranged cookies on a platter for later.

Steve came in, bearing a large bouquet of yellow roses. "For you," he said, simply, holding the bouquet out to her.

Darcy sighed happily. Yellow roses were her favorite – how could he have guessed? "These are beautiful! Let me put them in water." As she bustled about, a second knock sounded at the door. Again, she yelled out, "Entre-vous!"

Maria Hill poked her head in, unsure of herself. "I brought bruschetta. It's my Nonni's recipe."

Darcy studied her superior at SHIELD. Outside of official settings and fluorescent lighting, she was rather pretty, with lovely hair that looked like it actually cooperated, compared to Darcy's crazy mess. "These look wonderful. Do you know Steve?" she asked, gesturing. "Maria, Steve. Steven, Maria."

"Ma'am." Steve said, as they shook hands.

"We've met already." Maria added with a polite smile.

Darcy wagged a finger. "No official business and/or names allowed in here. There are no agents or superheroes, just regular people eating this delicious meal that I slaved over."

The rest of the gang arrived soon after that. If anyone was surprised to see Agent Hill there, they all hid it well – except Tony.

"Who is this?" he asked, giving the woman an obvious once over.

Maria raised an eyebrow as Darcy made introductions. "Tony, this is Maria. Play nice."

"Maria? No. Her first name is Agent."

Darcy groaned. "Tony…."

Pepper pulled Tony over to chat with Clint, while Maria turned back to her conversation with Natasha. Thor came up to Darcy, picking her up in a gigantic bear hug. "Little lightning sister, this meal smells most delicious! Lady Jane tells me you made it at her request."

Darcy shrugged. "Yeah, well, it sounded like a good idea. I haven't had a homemade meal in a long time."

Thor gave her a beatific smile. "I appreciate your assistance in keeping my lady love happy, Friend Darcy."

Darcy patted him on the arm in response as she raised her voice to get everyone's attention. "Dinner is ready! Take a seat and I'll serve."

* * *

The meal actually progressed rather smoothly, considering all the egos (Tony) and misunderstandings (Steve and Thor) that were bound to happen. Bruce, Maria and Natasha told stories about the faraway places they had been. Pepper told a rather funny (and slightly risqué) story from the last board meeting. Clint demonstrated his juggling skills with Darcy's dinner knives, until one landed in Jane's pot roast. (Jane wasn't amused, but Thor was.) Tony only made three inappropriate comments, which was some kind of record for him.

Darcy smiled and watched her new family. After everyone had finished their meal, she tapped her wine glass to get their attention. "Thank you everyone for coming. This has to be one of the best dinners I've ever had – and the company was pretty good, too." Everyone chuckled appropriately. "I propose we make this a weekly thing, barring space aliens invading Manhattan or some such nonsense." At everyone's nods of agreement, Darcy raised her glass, and they all toasted "To Sunday family dinners!"

After the meal, everyone settled in Darcy's living room with cookies to watch a movie. As Tony and Clint argued the merits of their respective choices, Darcy slipped into the kitchen to do the dishes. She heard someone come in and stand behind her.

"Thank you for inviting me. To be honest, I almost didn't come…but now I'm glad I did." Maria said softly, not wanting to be overheard by the rest of the group.

Darcy turned around and smiled. "And I'm glad you came. I'd like to consider us as friends – at least, when we're not on the clock at SHIELD." At Maria's tentative smile, Darcy added, "I mean, I did lick salt out of your navel at Thor's party. If that doesn't make us friends, I don't know what does."

Maria tipped her head back and laughed, loudly. It was probably the most open and relaxed Darcy had ever seen her face be.

Tony stuck his head up over the back of the couch. "What's so funny back there?" he called out.

"Your facial hair!" Darcy responded instantly. The rest of the group laughed as Darcy and Maria rejoined the group. To prevent the group from arguing anymore about the movie, Darcy picked Raiders of the Lost Ark.

* * *

It looked like a scene out of a movie: Darcy curled up on the couch, legs thrown across Clint's lap. Clint had his arm over the back of the couch, and Natasha sat on the other end. By the end of the movie, she was leaning on Clint's shoulder with his arm wrapped around her. Tony and Pepper squeezed into Darcy's squishy oversized chair, with Pepper mostly in Tony's lap. Steve sat in the recliner, looking everything like someone's grandpa in his sweater and slacks (if he wasn't so damn attractive). Thor sprawled in the floor, leaning against the couch in front of Darcy, with Jane leaning against his chest between his legs. Maria lay in window seat, observing the rest of the group.

After the movie ended, everyone trickled out, leaving just Darcy, Jane and Thor. At Jane's insistent hand motions, Thor left, leaving the two women alone. Jane wrapped Darcy in a hug. "Thank you so much for doing this for me. "

Darcy rubbed Jane's back. "Honey, have you noticed that you've been a bit…_emotional _lately?"

Jane pulled back sniffling. "What do you mean?" At Darcy's look, Jane sighed. "Maybe a little. Why?"

Darcy pulled Jane through her bedroom into her bathroom. "Sit," she said, pushing Jane onto the toilet. She rummaged around in a nondescript shopping bag until she pulled out some paper cups and…two pregnancy tests. "Take these. Don't come out until you do."

Darcy paced her room anxiously, waiting for Jane to reappear from the bathroom. After what felt like an eternity but was really only four minutes, Darcy couldn't take it anymore. As she started to open the door, Jane beat her to it.

"Darcy…I'm pregnant."


	8. Secret Anger Issues

Once Jane's pregnancy bombshell was dropped, life returned to normal – or what passed for their normal – surprisingly quickly. A month passed: a month of Sunday family dinners, morning workouts, coffee runs, SHIELD intel training, PopTart searches, nights bartending, subtly flirting with Steve, and doctor's visits. A month of trying to juggle all her separate jobs and lives and to keep one from finding out about the other.

Darcy had a strict policy about her jobs: never shall the three overlap. If any of the Avengers were at SHIELD headquarters, she made sure to make herself scarce. Agent Hill was surprisingly understanding at Darcy's myriad of shitty excuses as to why she was late or missing from training. If any junior SHIELD agents were at Stark Tower (very rare, but it occasionally happened), she hid in her room until Jarvis gave her the OK. She made sure to always leave for GRL fully covered, that way no one could see whatever scandalous outfit she had on for work. Somehow, she managed to do all this and still survive on roughly four hours of sleep each night.

But Darcy was tired of juggling. She was tired of keeping secrets from people she considered to be her friends – her family. She was tired of acting oblivious to where Clint and Natasha and sometimes the whole team had been sent off to. She was tired of pretending to not care when the Avengers assembled for a mission and she was excluded. She was tired of everyone seeing her as just this silly girl who was only good for getting coffee or making an inappropriate joke. Darcy had never been good at keeping secrets, and these were starting to wear the normally happy girl down. She was afraid that one day she was going to blow up and tell everyone that yeah, she worked for SHIELD too, so she deserved to know all the rough stuff from missions they didn't tell her (but that she found out about anyways when she filed their reports).

She just never imagined that when she blew up, it would be on such an epic, Mt. Etna scale.

* * *

Darcy woke up Saturday morning to silence. That was weird in and of itself; with this many people living in one space, even a space as big as Stark Tower, there was always some sort of background noise going on. But Darcy had fallen asleep in the lab. Thor was on a quick trip to Asgard, and Jane had been impossible to drag away from her research. So Darcy had given up and trying to move her and had settled in for a quick nap on the ratty couch in the lab.

That had been seven hours ago. Darcy stretched and looked at her phone. It was 8 am, which, in her opinion, was way too early to be awake on a Saturday morning. As she glanced around, she noticed that neither Jane nor Erik were in the lab. "Jarvis?" she asked the ceiling.

"Yes, Miss Lewis?" his impeccable British accent asked.

"Did Jane make it safely back to her bed?"

"She did not, Miss Lewis."

"Then where the hell is she? Her sleep patterns must be hell on the baby," Jane said, starting to get concerned.

"I'm not at liberty to say, Miss Lewis."

"Are you shitting me, Jarvis? My top priority in life is that Jane doesn't kill herself by neglecting her own wellbeing for science. Especially now that she's prego. So you either tell me where she is or I will hack into Tony's mainframe and make you sound like a redneck."

"I-I believe that they are in the corporate meeting room," Jarvis said, stuttering.

Darcy strode down the hallway that led to the meeting room, her oversized tote slapping against her side. As she approached the open doorway, she could hear voices raised in heated argument.

"Stark, we need a plan before we go into his lair, as you call it." That would be Steve – or rather, Captain America, as he was using his official bossman voice. This must be an official Avengers meeting. But why would Jane be there?

"I agree with Cap. Shooting first and asking questions later might cause damage to any possible chance we have at recovering the information." That was Black Widow.

"That bastard hacked into my research!" she could hear Jane wail.

"Tony, I would hate for anything to happen to you. You're not a cowboy, going in with guns blazing. Listen to Cap." That was Pepper, trying to soothe Tony's wounded ego.

"He calls himself Dr. Doom. Overcompensation much?" Tony asked in a snarky tone.

Darcy dug through the dossiers she'd brought back as homework from SHIELD. No surprise, she had the file on the villain they were discussing.

Erik added, "We can't tell Darcy what happened. She'd want to Tase him herself for…"

Darcy sauntered into the room, her temper well past pissed off and venturing dangerously in Hulk-esque rage territory. "Can't tell Darcy what?" she asked, sickly sweet. As everyone turned and stared at her, she continued. "Can't tell Darcy about your super secret boy band meeting? Can't tell Darcy about Dr. Doom, aka Victor von Doom, formerly of Latveria, currently the number one foe of the oh-so-Fantastic Four? Can't tell Darcy about the fucking mission your about to go on? Can't tell Darcy WHAT?!" Darcy said, her voice rising in volume on each sentence until she all but yelled the last sentence.

At the silence that echoed across the meeting room, Darcy threw Dr. Doom's file across the table. "Too late, assbutts. I already know all about your newest mission," she said, spitting out the last word. "Surprise! I work for SHIELD too, ya know – and not just as your fucking babysitter. I'm the one who puts together most of your fucking mission dossiers, and I do a damn good job at it. Clint?" she said, pointing at the archer, "I'm the one who found out about your mark in Monaco's fetish. Bet that came in handy, didn't it? And Natasha," she added, swiveling to face her, "I'm the one who came up with that poison necklace for your assignment in South Africa. You're fucking welcome."

She stood at the head of the meeting table, staring down her roommates – the people she thought she trusted. "I personally put together all the fucking files that deal with the Avengers. I know more about each and every goddamn mission you go on than you probably do. Yet you all continue to treat as if I'm some sort of idiot kid sister, who will fall apart at the first sign of trouble. Well guess what, douchebags? I've gone through more shit in my life than you can even imagine. I currently work three fucking jobs, yet I still have time to cook you guys fucking dinner every Sunday and to make sure that you're taken care of. I may not know how to kill a man seven different ways with my bare hands, but that doesn't mean that I can't take care of myself. I may look and act like a fucking joke, but did it ever occur to any of you cocksucking half-wits that it was a cover? That I was just trying to keep out all the hurt that my life has been? And just because I'm not fucking one of the super team – no offense guys," she added towards Jane and Pepper, "doesn't mean that I don't worry until you all get home." She said, her voice breaking on the last word.

Darcy stared straight ahead, trying not to reveal all her secrets. "I have been excluded and unwanted and forgotten about my whole life – until I met you guys." She said in a quiet voice. The rest of the team was so silent, she could practically hear the clock ticking on the wall. "I thought we were a family, and families don't keep secrets from one another," she said, a solitary tear sliding down her cheek.

Frustrated at her deviation from anger, Darcy swiped that single tear away. "Well you know what, fuck you guys and the Helicarrier you came in on. Let's see how well you manage to survive without my help."

As she turned to leave the room, Tony stood up and tried to stop her. "Darcy, wait –"

"Move it, Stark."

He stood in place. Darcy rammed violently into him, using her shoulders as Volstagg had taught her. As he stumbled back, Darcy held her head high and walked out the door. Damned if she was going to look back.

* * *

Darcy reached the Stark Industries garage fairly quickly. She knew where all the keys were kept, so she snagged a set at random and set off the alarm, looking for the car it belonged to.

Fittingly, it was the Ferrari. Darcy smiled to herself – a wild, feral smile that spoke of dark alleyways and hidden knives. In her other hand, she tossed a wallet up in the air, and then caught it. _Elvira had it right, _she thought to herself. _Revenge is better than Christmas._ Tony Stark was going to pay for his attempt to stop her – literally. Darcy picked his pocket when she bumped into him, and had no qualms about using his credit cards to escape.

She slid into the Ferrari, tossing her tote on the passenger seat. The crimson of the car matched the blood red shade on her lips. As she started the car, she could hear someone coming out of the elevator, attempting to stop her. With a squeal of tires, she sped out the door, leaving the Avengers, jaws gaping, behind her.

* * *

**Darcy Lewis's List of Reasons Why She Shouldn't Go Back to Stark Tower (made while drunk)  
**1. Tony Stark was an attention whore  
2. Pepper Potts was an idiot to put up with him  
3. Bruce Banner was scaredy-cat  
4. Natasha Romanoff was unfriendly  
5. Clint Barton was way too old to be ogling her ass  
6. Steve Rogers was oblivious to her charms (aka her tits)  
7. Thor was too damn loud  
8. Erik Selvig was too serious  
9. Jane Foster was overly hormonal  
10. Jarvis was a tattle-tale  
11. Director Fury was a bitch  
12. Agent Hill has too good of a poker face

* * *

Somehow, Darcy ended up in D.C. So she checked into a five star hotel (thank you, Stark Industries credit card) and ordered a bottle of Jack Daniel's to be sent up to her room. As she drank straight from the bottle, she made a list of reasons why she hated the team, and another list of reasons why should quit, and another of why she should become a full-time SHIELD agent.

The next morning (or rather, afternoon), Darcy woke to someone knocking firmly on her door. She stumbled out of bed and opened it. To her surprise, someone she thought was dead stood on the other side. "Hello Miss Lewis. May I come in?"

Silently, eyes wide, Darcy opened the door all the way and gestured, inviting Agent Coulson in. They had briefly met in New Mexico, so Darcy knew who he was. She had heard of his death at Loki's hands after she and Jane had moved into Stark Tower. Yet here he was, living and breathing, and…not wearing a suit? As he handed her a coffee, he said, "Miss Lewis, we having a proposition for you. Would you care to sit down and discuss it?"

Darcy gratefully took the coffee. "By 'we', I assume you mean SHIELD?" she asked.

Agent Coulson nodded. "SHIELD needs someone to act as a handler for the Avengers during non-combatant times. Since you have proven adept in your interactions with Thor, Dr. Banner, and Mr. Stark, your name has been considered for the position."

"What exactly would that entail?" Darcy asked, curious.

"You would be acting as the liaison between SHIELD and the Avengers. You would be responsible for directing the flow of information to the appropriate members of the team. You would also be responsible for non-mandated or non-combatant public appearances by any and all members of the team."

"So, basically…." Darcy said, interpreting the agent's semi-formal words, "I would continue doing my intel work for SHIELD, but with a focus on sorting stuff for the team, and I would be responsible for Thor not shattering coffee cups in public and Tony not offending anyone too much when the paparazzi question him?" At Coulson's nod, she added "Would I get a higher security clearance?"

A quick grin flashed across his face, before being replaced by his normal stoic expression. "Let's just say you would no longer be hacking in to anything you needed access to."

Darcy held out her hand. "I accept."

* * *

Darcy spent the rest of the afternoon going over forms and paperwork with Phil (as he had asked her to call him) before they ordered room service and watched a Supernanny marathon. Turns out Phil really liked bad reality TV. Phil told her what _really _happened after his apparent death. He promised that he would eventually return to SHIELD, but he was enjoying his vacation too much to make it anytime soon.

On Monday, Darcy woke up and checked out of the hotel room. Running away was fun, but a girl only had so many spare outfits in her Mary Poppins bag. But…Darcy wasn't ready to face the carnage she had ensued back at the Tower.

So she spent the day wondering around the Smithsonian, which was one of her favorite places in the entire world. As she wondered through exhibits, she thought about what to say – how to apologize – to everyone in the Tower.

Eventually, though, the museum closed. Darcy lugged her bag of apology gifts to the car, then set the GPS for New York. It would be an all night drive, but Darcy didn't mind. She was ready to be home.


	9. Apologies

Real apologies, Darcy felt, should be three things: heartfelt, personal, and definitely NOT via text message. Darcy was used to apologizing for the things she said; she did have quite the potty mouth, after all. But she wasn't used to making such personal, such _real_ apologies. She really had gone off the deep end with her anger, and she needed to make amends for all the nasty things she had said.

So she sat in the driver's seat of the Ferrari, writing out apologies in her Moleskine notebook. It was only another 15 minutes to Stark Tower, and Darcy needed to prepare to clean up her mess. So she wrote out notes to each of her friends, to put with the silly little gifts she had gotten them.

* * *

_Clint,_

_I'm sorry that I made a bigger mess than one of your exploding arrows, and I'm especially sorry for calling you out and putting you on the spot. Please accept this silly little token as my white flag of surrender to Asshole Central._

- went with a wrist guard, covered in Elvish writing (Clint did love LoTR a little too much)

* * *

_Natasha,_

_I'm sorry for calling you out like that and making a big scene. I know we're not especially close, and that you think I'm an idiot, but I'd like to rectify that and to be friends. Maybe we can watch this together? I promise not to talk during._

- went with a copy of "Anastasia"

* * *

_Bruce,_

_I know I might have out-raged you on this one. Sorry. I promise to get more of your favorite kind of PopTart for the lab._

- went with a collection of loose-leaf green tea

* * *

_Tony,_

_Sorry for tackling you and picking your pocket and taking the Ferrari. I promise I brought it back in the same condition I found it in._

_PS: Are you __(Mg,Fe)__7__Si__8__O__22__(OH)__2__? The answer is on page 47._

-went with a book called "Science Pick Up Lines"

* * *

_Pepper,_

_I'm sorry for implying such things against you. I know you're way smarter than Tony, anyway._

-went with earrings that were replicas of Egyptian grave goods

* * *

_Thor, _

_Sorry I freaked out Jane and left you to deal with it. I know you weren't here for my explosion, but you still had to deal with the aftermath._

-went with an awesome Captain Hammer shirt (note to self: watch Dr. Horrible on the next family dinner night)

* * *

_Jane,_

_I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know how that upsets you. Tell the baby I'm sorry, too._

-went with a coffee mug that showed constellations when hot, and a Captain Hammer onesie that matched Thor's shirt

* * *

_Erik,_

_Sorry I made a scene, but you need to give me some credit, man._

-went with an incredibly awesome/tacky science tie

* * *

_Steve,_

_I'm so, so sorry._

-went with a small, multi-sized record player

* * *

So, like a thief in the night, Darcy snuck around the Tower and left her gifts in prominent places, where she knew everyone would find them. She would make her apologies in person as she ran into everyone, but at least this felt like a start towards redemption.

Tuesday morning, Darcy woke up at 6 am and went down to the gym to work out. She didn't know if Thor would actually be there, but she had committed to her workouts, so she was going to try and keep them.

Surprisingly enough, Thor was there – and wearing the shirt she had gotten him. "Hello, little lightning sister," he said, quiet. "Lady Jane told me you were unhappy with us. I am most sorry for your discomfort," he said, wrapping her in a hug.

Darcy sniffled. "I just felt…unappreciated, ya know? Like all the little things I do go unnoticed." She mumbled into Thor's chest.

Thor released her from the hug and held her in front of him at arm's length, hands on her shoulders. "Friend Darcy, you are vitally important to our team. You are our humanity." At Darcy's confused stare, he continued. "You are the one that sees past the weapons and capes and battle scars to the simple men and women underneath. You remind us that it is okay to be only human – to make mistakes and to feel petty emotions and to hurt – because you will be there with your tub of strange cold dessert and your Midgardian movies to make the hurt and guilt and anger go away through laughter and compassion."

Darcy sniffed. Sometimes, she forgot Thor was a thousands-years-old divine god, with more life experience than Darcy could ever know. "Okay, well, I'm sorry for making a scene and being mean. So, let's get down to the swordplay."

* * *

Darcy skipped going to SHIELD that morning, instead choosing to hang out in the lab. Jane cried when she came in and gave her a big hug, garbling over her own apology in the midst of her sobs. She then showed off her first sonogram, which to Darcy looked like static on a TV, but she still exclaimed over it.

Erik gave her a quick, one-armed hug. "Sorry for doubting you," he murmured in her ear.

Darcy gave him a quick smile. "Sorry for being a bitch."

Bruce didn't hug her – he wasn't much for physical contact – but he did give her a smile. "It's okay, Darcy. That was nothing compared to the rages I've been on," he joked. "One time I broke Harlem, I was so mad." Darcy giggled at the ridiculousness of his statement.

The apologies done, everyone went back to their respective jobs. Darcy started scanning and saving the notes Jane had written while she was gone and playing solitaire while each document scanned. The morning passed in companionable silence, until Tony Stark barged in around noon.

"Where is she?" he asked. Darcy stuck her head around from behind the computer and waved. "How did you do that?"

"Which part? The Doom file or the explosion of feelings or the picking your pocket part?"

"The last one." At Darcy's shrug he added, "And yes. The answer to your question is yes." Darcy guffawed. He actually liked her gift. "Now where is my coffee?"

* * *

Finding the Assassin Twins was a little bit harder. Darcy was walking through the hallways – ostensibly on a coffee run, but really just looking for the two of them – when she felt something hit her butt. As she twisted to look over her shoulder, she noticed the Nerf dart that was attached to her back pocket. With a sigh, she pulled it off. On the inside of the suction cup, the word "Sorry" was written.

"You can come out of the air vent, ya know." Darcy said to the hallway. "I won't bite…at least, not unless you're in to that kind of thing." She turned around and ran smack dab into Clint.

"Sorry for being a bitch at your meeting." She said, not meeting his eyes.

"No need to apologize, babe. Due to your research, I actually had a chance at getting close to my mark in Monaco. And how in the world do you know about such weird kinks? You are too young for that kind of thing."

Darcy gave him a shit-eating grin. "Let's just say I dated this guy, once…"

Clint pulled out his own iPod, with a headphone splitter. "I found a song for you." As Darcy plugged in her own headphones, a weird Indian mystic song started playing.

"Seriously, Green Arrow?" But then the song changed to trashy 80s hair metal, and Darcy smiled. She started dancing in the hallway, tossing her hair and punching the air.

Clint just stared at her behind his sunglasses, until the chorus started. "She's all lips and hips!" he sang along to the song while playing air guitar.

The two jammed to the song in the middle of the hallway. Luckily Jarvis was the only one to witness this. (He recorded it for posterity.) After it ended, Darcy unplugged her headphones and held out her hand. "Friends?" she asked.

Clint bypassed her hand and went in for a hug. "Friends." He said, attempting to squeeze her ass.

Darcy laughed as she wiggled away. "We're not that good of friends, Barton."

"We could be!" he yelled down the hall as she went back to the lab.

* * *

Finally, Darcy called it a day in the lab and went back to her room. When she unlocked the door, she found some things in her apartment that hadn't been there before. On her desk were a set of Russian nesting dolls. When Darcy opened the inner one, she found a scrap of paper that had "sorry" written on it in elegant female handwriting.

In a box on her coffee table, Darcy found two things that looked like guns, but were way cooler. According to Tony's note, they were what he called "Tesla guns." Instead of bullets, they shot electricity. Way cooler than her Taser!

On her bedside table, Darcy found a riotous bouquet of snapdragons in every color. The note on the bouquet was signed by Pepper, and the bouquet itself added a little cheer to Darcy's gloom.

But the kicker was the drawing on her fridge, held in place by a Captain America magnet. The drawing was of a sheepish looking Steve, holding a sign that said sorry. It was perfect, down to the details – like the way Steve rubbed his neck when embarrassed, and the creases in his perfectly pressed khakis.

Darcy traced the lines of his face on the paper. She and Steve had been dancing around each other since the first family dinner, and that awkward cheek kiss. Darcy would say something flirtatious, and Steve would stammer and blush and find somewhere else to be. Every so often, Darcy would catch him watching her, and it would send the most delicious shiver down her spine. Darcy found herself planning outfits that she knew would appeal to his 1940s nature and adding Glen Miller and the Andrews Sisters to her iPod. Every Sunday, he would come over to her apartment and hang out while she made family dinner. Occasionally he would try to help, but most days he was content to chat with her about anything and everything while she cooked and he sketched. Over the last month, they had talked about everything from the US in the 1960s to Bucky, Steve's best friend, to the latest prank Clint had pulled on Tony. Darcy found herself looking forward to Sundays in a way that bordered on lovestruck.

Darcy heard a knock on her door. Her heart leaped, hoping it would be the costumed crusader she had been thinking about. Instead, it was Natasha, holding the DVD Darcy had gotten for her. Behind her were Jane and Pepper, wearing comfy pants and carrying popcorn.

"Girls night?" Natasha asked, holding out the DVD as if it were a white flag. Darcy opened up her door farther.

"Sure. But don't be mad if I sing along."

Natasha gave her a smile. "I'll be right there with you."

* * *

After the movie and a good gossip session, the other women filed out of Darcy's apartment. Suddenly exhausted by the emotional turmoil of her day, Darcy walked into her bedroom, ditching her clothes along the way. She flopped down on the bed in her underwear, arms spread wide. Showering would be nice, but that was just way more effort than Darcy wanted to exert at the moment.

After lying on her bed, having a pity party, for fifteen minutes, Darcy got up and started getting ready for bed. She traded her underwear for an oversized sleep shirt that proclaimed "I can sleep when I'm dead." It barely reached the top of her thighs, but it was ridiculously soft. Just as she was about to crawl into bed, she heard a quiet knock on her door.

"Did someone forget something?" she muttered to herself as she put her glasses back on. Darcy walked through her living room and opened the door. On the other side stood Steve Rogers, looking exactly like the drawing currently hanging on her fridge.

Darcy's mouth made an O of surprise. After a moment of just staring at each other, Darcy finally sighed. "Oh Steven. I'm the one who is sorry."

Steve leaned his sign against the hallway wall. "We should've included you. It wasn't right of us to leave you out."

Darcy gave him a wobbly smile, trying not to cry at how rom-com the moment was. "Just don't do it again, okay soldier?" she said, giving him a fake punch on the arm.

* * *

Steve looked at Darcy, standing on the other side of the door frame. It would be such a small step to bridge the distance between them, yet he couldn't bring himself to cross the line made by her door. At this moment, she looked so lost and fragile that it was all he could do not to reach out and hold her – to promise, without words, that she was wanted by the group…by him, if he was totally honest.

Darcy ended being the one to cross the boundary of her door. She pulled her to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. Surprised, Steve stood there a moment, hands awkwardly to his side, until he wrapped them around her. Her head reached his collarbone, and it wasn't much of a stretch to rest his head on top of hers. Her hands knotted up in the back of his shirt, and his traced circles between her shoulder blades.

So they stood in the doorway for an eternity, wrapped in each other's arms. Finally, Steve extricated himself from Darcy's arms. "I missed you on Sunday." He said simply.

"You just missed my food," Darcy said as she pushed her glasses back up her nose.

Steve quickly shook his head. "No, I missed you." He reached down to wipe the single, solitary tear from her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned into his hand, giving a little sigh of contentment. He leaned down, his face scant inches from hers. As she opened her eyes in shock, Steve noticed that they weren't as much blue as a deep, stormy sky kind of color – a dark blue, edged in smoky gray. "You once told me that I gave you a bullshit kiss," he said, his voice barely a whisper. "I'd like to try again."

He leaned down, placing his lips on her cheek while tracing his thumb over her other cheekbone. "I'm sorry" he whispered against her skin, the words echoing in the silence of the hallway.

As he turned to leave, Darcy grabbed his wrist. He turned his head back around to look at her. She gave him a smile – part cheeky attitude, part sexual innuendo, and part something that Steve couldn't quite get at. "Not bad, Boy Wonder," she said. "I guess now it's time to move on to the fun stuff, like French kissing."

Steve felt a blush rising on his cheeks. He knew what French kissing was, thanks to Bucky, and for once understood the offer she was making. "I'd like that, ma'am."

As he walked up the stairs to his suite of rooms, Steve Rogers was whistling. For the first time in a long time, he felt like less of a superhero, and more of just a guy, who was attracted to a pretty dame.


	10. Alternative Weapons Training

Darcy woke up Tuesday morning to a text from Agent Hill. _Wear official SHIELD uniform. Training day. _Darcy rolled out of bed and wandered blindly to the bathroom. As she French-braided her hair, she wondered exactly what kind of training they would be covering today.

Darcy tried to escape Stark Tower without anyone noticing her uniform – but no such luck. Tony and Clint were waiting for her in the lobby, attempting (and failing) at nonchalance.

"Well look here, Stark, we've got ourselves a bonafide SHIELD agent," Clint drawled out as he took in Darcy's uniform – from her standard issue (and terribly ugly, in her opinion) boots to the zipper on her catsuit, which Darcy was vainly trying to zip up all the way.

"Shut up, Barton, before I shoot you with my new toys," Darcy growled out, trying to hide her blush. In lieu of pistols, Darcy had strapped her Teslas into the holsters on her uniform. She was itching to try them out.

Tony gave a short bark of a laugh. "Watch out, Legolas. I made those babies for her. They pack quite the punch."

Darcy muttered something about boys and their toys under her breath. As she breezed past them on her way out the door, Clint slapped her on the ass. "Good luck babe!"

* * *

Darcy hated her training at SHIELD. Not because of what she was doing – that part kicked ass on **so** many levels – but because the recruits acted like high schoolers. Agent Grayson was the leader of the clique that made her life a living hell, and everyone not in his little group was afraid of sticking up for her in fear he would turn his animosity onto them. Darcy was over all his bullshit.

So she was looking forward to whatever physical training SHIELD had planned for the morning. Darcy may not look like much of a fighter, but for the past month or so, she _had _been training with various members of the Avengers. That had to count for something, right?

* * *

Imagine Darcy's surprise when she walked into SHIELD'S training room and saw Thor, Lady Sif, and the Warriors Three. Darcy squealed, dropped her bag, and pretty much jumped on Fandral. He twirled his mustache mischievously as she hugged him, legs wrapped around his waist. After a moment, she hopped down, and he elegantly bowed over her hand and kissed it.

Volstagg, Hogun and Sif crowded up to Darcy as well, loudly greeting her and inquiring as to what they had missed since their last visit. They had even brought Darcy a present – a pair of short swords with shoulder braces (which was what Thor had been training Darcy on). Darcy could feel the confused and envious stares of her fellow trainees.

Suck on that, Agent Grayson!

* * *

Agent Hill entered the room, clearing her throat. "Good morning, recruits. Today's training session will be in alternative weaponry. While in most combatant situations, you will be given a gun, a good agent must also be proficient with any other type of weapon he or she may have at their disposal. Today's focus will be medieval weaponry." Motioning to the Asgardians , she added, "To help with your lessons, Thor, Lady Sif, Volstagg, Hogun and Fandral from Asgard have agreed to demonstrate proper technique." Agent Hill quietly left the room as Sif and the Warriors Three stepped forward, making much more exciting introductions than Agent Hill had.

Thor wandered over to Darcy. "Friend Darcy, would you be willing to demonstrate what we have taught you? Be out…what is the phrase…hamster?"

"Guinea pig." Darcy corrected as Volstagg told a story about an epic dragon leg he once ate. _In for a penny, in for a pound of hatred_, she thought. "Sure thing, Thor. I gotta test out these sweet blades sometime."

* * *

As the Asgardians split the trainees into groups, Darcy swapped out her Teslas for her new short swords. She was assigned to Fandral's group, and Thor made the two of them go into the center of the ring painted on the floor. Fandral and Darcy demonstrated proper form, while the rest of the Asgardians walked through the recruits, correcting hand holds and arm positions.

After an hour of mind-numbingly boring footwork, Fandral suddenly turned to Darcy, a decidedly wicked grin crossing his face. Darcy barely had time to prepare herself before he (mock) attacked. Darcy felt pretty proud that she managed to hold her own for over ten minutes before Fandral managed to disarm her.

Fandral grinned obnoxiously at her, expecting her to admit defeat. But Darcy was always a girl with a backup plan…

She slowly lowered the zipper of her uniform until a totally-frowned-upon unregulation amount of cleavage showed. As Fandral was distracted by the show, Darcy nudged her sword towards her with her foot. Within moments, she had the tip of blade pressed against her throat. "Touché," she smirked.

Fandral moved her sword away, then bowed in defeat most elegantly. (There wasn't really anything Fandral didn't do elegantly – except maybe tequila shots…) As Darcy turned to face her stunned fellow trainees, she shrugged. "I used to LARP."

Sif came over and clapped her on the shoulder. Darcy turned around, wiggling her zipper up with one hand while holding the other up for a high five. "Score one for the ladies with Weapons of Mass Seduction!" Sif laughed and awkwardly returned her high five.

Thor smiled as he explained their moves to the other trainees. "But Lady Darcy has been training with myself for some time, so do not be upset if your mastery of swordplay is lacking. We will remedy that problem."

As the Asgardians said their goodbyes, Darcy smiled and chatted with the other new agents who were suddenly so interested in being her friend. It was good to be the queen…

* * *

After showering and changing into her lab clothes, Darcy stopped by Director Fury's office for a briefing on her new position within SHIELD.

"Miss Lewis, are you sure you can handle your duties?" Fury asked, doubt in his voice.

"Dude, I like, already babysit most of them. So really all you're adding to my plate is sorting through dossiers – oh wait, I already do that, too – and making sure junior agents don't harass them."

Fury nodded. "Something along those lines, yes."

"I'm assuming a raise and an upgrade in security clearance are in order?"

Fury passed over a new SHIELD ID badge, along with a futuristic looking Bluetooth earpiece. "This badge will give you access to everything we deem suitable for your eyes. This earpiece is directly linked to all of the Avengers and to my office, as well as Agent Hill's. All non-SHIELD calls that come for the Avengers will be routed to you, for you to deal with." At Darcy's grin, Fury added, "Be aware, Miss Lewis that we are monitoring how you handle this position. So don't fuck it up." Darcy mock saluted Fury as she gathered her things.

* * *

Exactly 58 seconds after exiting SHIELD headquarters, Darcy's ear was ringing. She glanced at her watched, sighed, and pressed the button on the headset. "This is Darcy," she said, in her most adult, professional voice.

"Lewis? Where the hell is my lunch?" That was Tony, already abusing the power of the headset.

"When did I become your bitch?" Darcy snarked back.

"When you got your security clearance. So again, where's my lunch?"

"Call in an order for shawarma. I'll pick it up. And how did you know about my security clearance? That literally just happened."

Tony chuckled. "You're not the only one who hacks into SHIELD on a regular basis. P.S., since you're officially my bitch now, I need you to go by Dr. Richard's lab to pick up some article for Bruce."

"Dr. Richards? Like Dr. Reed Richards, of the Fantastic Four?" Darcy asked.

"Yeah. He's an arrogant prick, but he knows what he's talking about."

"Kettle, pot, Tony." Darcy said with a laugh. "Just text me his address and I'll pick it up before getting lunch.

First Asgardians, then the Avengers, and now the Fantastic Four? When did Darcy Lewis's life become a comic book?


	11. Not-So-Fantastic Four

AN: I'm not 100% sure of my characterization of the FF, but I've always felt that Reed Richards is a douchecanoe. Don't judge me.

As always, all the pretty = Marvel. All the witty = me. :)

* * *

Darcy was glad she had chosen to look like a semi-professional today. She had on what she referred to as her "Pepper Redux" outfit: a slim pencil dress (short sleeves, square neck), black stockings, and wickedly tall black platform pumps. She had pulled her crazy curls up into a loose ponytail, and swiped on a deep crimson lipstick as she left SHIELD. She had heard…rumors that Dr. Richards was a douche of epic proportions. In Darcy's experience, the best weapon against douchebaggery was a combination of witty snark and "I will fuck your shit up" heels. Good thing she had both in excess.

Happy was waiting outside, and he drove Darcy to the Baxter Building. After being harassed by the guards, Darcy rode the elevator up and went to Richards's lab to pick up the articles Tony needed.

"You're the assistant?" the doctor said in a disbelieving tone. _Oh hell naw am I gonna have to Tase this motherfucker too? _Darcy thought.

"Darcy Lewis," she said, holding out her hand. Dr. Richards just looked at her outstretched hand, then placed the articles she had came for in it, instead of shaking her hand.

Darcy flipped through the articles. "I'm sorry, but we're missing the article on the interplay of gamma radiation and sub-zero temperatures by Dr. Ragnathan."

"You can understand that?" Dr. Richards asked her.

"Not perfectly, but enough to assist Drs. Banner and Foster, along with Mr. Stark." Darcy told him with a saccharine sweet smile, all the while trying to convince herself _not _to dig her trusty Taser out.

"But..I thought…"

"…that I had more tits than brains?" Darcy finished his sentence for him. "It's a common assumption, but might I suggest you not make it about every woman you meet? Natasha gets touchy about things like that, and I would hate for her to put you in a choke hold if she's ever sent over."

"Natasha?" Dr. Richards asked, a displeased look on his face.

"Agent Romanoff." At his blank look, Darcy added, "You probably know her as Black Widow."

Dr. Richards visibly gulped. He then turned around, pulled another article out of a filing cabinet, and passed it to her. Darcy gave him a little finger wave as she turned. "Thank you so much for your help!" she cooed in her best impression of a sorority girl.

* * *

"Hold the door!" a masculine voice yelled at her as she stood in the elevator. Hands full of papers, Darcy stuck her foot out.

Shit you not, Steve's evil twin got in the elevator with her. "Hello," he said, in what Darcy figured he thought was a seductive voice.

Darcy raised an eyebrow at him. "Did I just fall into one of Abed's six possible timelines? Because you are seriously evil!Steve."

He grinned at her. "At least it's not the darkest timeline – no evil goatee here," he said, gesturing to his face.

"Yeah, just douche-y sideburns." Darcy shot back.

"I resent that!" he exclaimed, rubbing the offended facial hair. "These babies are a work of art."

Darcy rolled her eyes and went back to double checking the articles in her hands. The elevator seemed to descend slower than molasses, and for some reason, it just kept getting hotter in the enclosed space.

Darcy was about to comment on the heat when she put two and two together and got a flaming four. Without looking up, she said, "I know who you are, and that trick isn't going to work on me. Nice try, Firecrotch."

Darcy felt the temperature drop back down as he turned and looked at her. "Yes, I am the illustrious Human Torch. But you can call me Johnny," he said, his voice sounding like a cheap knockoff of the Old Spice Guy.

"Dude, I babysit Tony Stark. I've heard almost every pick up line in the book, and trust me. That was weaksauce," she said, giving him a look over the top of her glasses.

The elevator dinged, signaling their arrival at the ground floor. "Well, it was lovely chatting with you," Darcy said sarcastically as she sashayed out the door and through the lobby.

"I didn't catch your name!" Johnny yelled at her.

"I didn't throw it!" Darcy yelled back. "Bye, Boy Wonder!"

* * *

Darcy made it back to Stark Tower, dropping off shawarma and science wherever it needed to go. She convinced Jane to stop and eat real food, convinced Thor to use his inside voice, and convinced Clint to come out of the damn airducts, already, and eat the damn food like a normal person.

Really, you would think Darcy was babysitting toddlers, not grown-ass adults.

She hung out in the lab, transcribing Bruce's notes (for the love of Meow-Meow, can this man even write?) when JARVIS's voice cut through the building.

"Attention, we have a person attempting unauthorized access to the Tower."

All the superheroes immediately jumped up, running for spangly uniforms / advanced weaponry and Jane totally ignored the process, continuing scribbling on her whiteboard. "Sir, he appears to be asking for, and I quote, 'that babe who babysits Stark.'"

"I don't need a babysitter!" she could hear Tony yell over the sounds of his suit being attached.

Darcy rolled her eyes. Looks like Johnny Storm wasn't a total idiot – or he just really liked playing with danger. "Keep your civvies on, Avengers." She said, holding up her hands. "I'll handle this."

* * *

Darcy walked across the lobby, enjoying the echoing click of her heels on the marble floor. Johnny was held by two agents who were posing as security guards, the rest of the lobby having been cleared out. "Stand down, suits, I got this." Darcy said when she joined them.

The agents released the suddenly bashful Johnny. "What made you think that trying to break in to a highly classified locale with multiple superheroes was a good idea?" Darcy said, arms crossed over her chest.

"I…uh…didn't really think about that part?" Johnny said.

"Then what exactly were you thinking?" Darcy asked. Giving him a once over, she amended her question. "Or rather, what exactly were you thinking with?"

Just as he opened his mouth to answer, an arrow whizzed past him, embedding itself in the wall behind him. "Seriously, Barton?" Darcy yelled into her earpiece. "You are not Han Solo! Stop shooting first!"

Darcy watched, entertained, as all of the Avengers suddenly appeared in the lobby in full gear and Johnny Storm wavered between super stoked and _ohshitI'mintrouble_. "Look, I just wanted to get your name." Johnny said, shrugging and attempting to look adorable.

Darcy rolled her eyes, ignoring the superheroes with itchy trigger fingers behind her. "You should've just asked your brother-in-law. Much easier and less painful."

"Obviously you haven't talked to Reed that much," she heard Johnny mumble under his breath.

Darcy snorted. "Good point. I'm Darcy."

Johnny gave her a shit-eating grin that Darcy couldn't help but smile back at. "So…Darcy," he said, lifting one eyebrow, "want to get a drink with me?"

"As much as I feel like we would be total BFFs – me with my penchant for setting things on fire when drunk and you with your flaming capabilities – I already have plans tonight." Darcy said with a smirk. (Total lie.)

"What plans top – this –?" Johnny asked, gesturing to encompass his whole body.

"My date," she snarked back, not really thinking in terms of specifics.

"Like I said, baby, who tops this?"

* * *

Steve, along with the rest of his team, watched Darcy dress down the youngest member of the Fantastic Four. They had worked with the other team before, and even Steve could admit that the Human Torch could be brought down a peg or two.

Clint nudged him. "Dude. Go help your lady out."

"My..my lady? What – what?" Steve managed to cough out. Was his crush that obvious?

Tony snorted as he flipped his faceplate up. "Your girl over there needs a date to cover her bluff. Why don't you step up, Cap?"

Steve wasn't one hundred percent sure what they were talking about, but he walked over to Darcy anyway. "Is there a problem, Miss Lewis?" he asked, reverting back to formality.

"Storm here won't take the hint that I already am seeing someone tonight." Darcy said, giving him a look that reeked of desperation.

Then, it suddenly hit him. Darcy had told Storm that she had a date when she didn't, and his team had sent him in to be her date! Now it all made sense.

* * *

Darcy might've melted a little bit at the blinding smile Steve gave her. It was like the time he had finally figured out how to work the microwave – times a million. Like, seriously, childlike and so fucking excited he couldn't contain it.

And then, somehow, Steve had taken his cowl off and pulled Darcy close to his side. "Sorry, Storm," he said, in a voice Darcy didn't recognize, "but this lovely lady has a date with me tonight."

Darcy was really glad she wasn't drinking anything at the moment, because she totally would've sprayed it out of her nose then. Apparently, she's got a date with Captain McHotPants tonight!

Darcy played along with Cap's ruse, and Johnny was placated for the time being. Darcy warned him about trying to get into locked doors, and the rest of the Avengers managed to "escort" Storm out of the building, while Steve led her off to the side.

"Okay, where the fuck did that voice come from? That did not sound like the Steve I know." Darcy asked, laughing.

"Well, Tony has been making me watch some show called 'How I Met Your Mother' because, according to him, I need to work on my 'game,'" Steve said, making air quotes.

"Ah, Barney Stinson. Makes sense." Darcy said. "Thanks for the rescue, Captain."

"Anytime, ma'am," he said, giving her a mock salute. _Evidently, all of Stark and I's sass has been rubbing off on him, _Darcy thought to herself.

As Darcy turned to go back to the lab, Steve caught her elbow. "Would you, um…" he started, rubbing the back of his neck. Darcy knew, after months of talking with him, that that meant he was nervous – and suddenly, she was a little nervous, too. "Would you like to go to dinner with me?"

Darcy gaped at him for a moment. "Like, a for real date?" Steve gave her a nervous smile and nodded his head.

"Hell yes!" Darcy blurted out. Blushing, she tried for normality. "I mean, yes. That would be nice. Friday?"

"Friday." Steve said, a small smile playing about his lips.

"Kay bye!" Darcy said, determined to get back to the lab before she embarrassed herself any further.

JARVIS is the only witness to the epic victory dance she may or may not have done in the elevator. She made him promise to never EVER show it to anyone (aka Tony and Clint) on threat of reprogramming him to sound like a redneck.


	12. Date Night

Friday rolled around, and Darcy was beyond ready for it to be 5 o'clock. Jane's latest full-time lab assistant had called in sick, so Darcy had spent the day in the lab collating notes and diagrams (and who the FUCK had messed up her awesome filing system?) and trying to keep Jane from murdering Thor for distracting her from work. Between that and Tony yelling at Dum-E and Butterfingers, she was OVER the science tantrums.

At least, that's what she told herself. The truth was, Darcy really just wanted to go get ready for her **epic date with Steve**. (!)

Now, Darcy isn't one to pull her punches. She is fully aware of what her assets are and how best to exaggerate them – not that they need exaggerating, but hey, it never hurts…

Darcy had spent the last hour on YouTube, trying to perfect the victory roll hairdo; alas, her hair decided to be obnoxious today and was not cooperating. Darcy convinced herself that was okay, because if she had gone full 1940s, Steve might've spontaneously combusted.

So Darcy pulled her hair in a loose knot, and surveyed herself in the mirror. She had on a silky, navy blue dress with white polka dots. The dress had white buttons down the front of the top, with a modest neckline – well, as modest as a neckline will be with Darcy's breasts. It also had matching buttons running down the left side of the skirt (easy access, yeah!).

But the cincher to the outfit wasn't what was easily visible – it was the lingerie underneath. Darcy, after scouring lingerie stores in the city, had finally found the most wonderful set of navy blue lace-trimmed underthings: molded bra, mid-rise panties, and matching garter belt. She even had the back-seamed stockings and 4-inch ankle strap heels to make the outfit complete.

Logically, she knew that going a date with Steve was pretty much a guarantee that she wasn't going to get laid…but a girl can dream, can't she? And at least tempt?

* * *

7 o'clock – their agreed meet-up time – rolled around and Darcy swiped on a vibrant red lipstick, expecting Steve to knock at any moment. She adjusted a wayward curl, did a prance around her living room to make sure she was stable on her heels, and spritzed herself with perfume.

7:05: maybe Steve got held up.

7:10: Maybe Tony tried to give him dating advice, and he's too polite to tell him to fuck off.

7:15: okay, this is officially strange. Steve is the poster boy for promptness.

7:20: secondary high heel prance. Yup, still stable.

7:25: impatient clock check. WTF?

7:30: "JARVIS, would you happen to know where Captain Rogers is?" Darcy asked the AI.

"I believe he is at SHIELD still, Miss Lewis," JARVIS replied in an overly polite voice.

* * *

Of course, when Darcy goes to leave, it starts raining. So she goes back into the Tower, grabbing her trench coat and umbrella. Luckily, it's a light drizzle, so her shoes won't get ruined, but there's enough humidity to make her already unruly hair even crazier.

Is the universe trying to ruin her first date, or what?

At 8:15, Darcy arrived at SHIELD. She's starving and a little pissed off at being stood up and therefore, not in the best mood. Luckily, she runs into Clint right off the bat. "Where's Steve?" she asked him.

"Um…infirmary. There was an…incident today." Clint explained without really explaining anything.

_Is that like some sort of assassin thing? _"What kind of incident?" Darcy asked, concerned. "I didn't receive any notification of an event needing the Avengers as a response team."

"No, it was more personal for Steve than anything else. And maybe Nat…" Clint said, trailing off.

"Whatever." Darcy said, flapping her hands at him as she heads for the infirmary.

* * *

Darcy wasn't really expecting to see Steve in a hospital bed, but there he was – ugly hospital gown, head bandage and everything. He looked too adorably pathetic, and all of the anger that Darcy may have had towards being stood up dissipated as she saw him laying there, looking miserable.

"Hey soldier," she said quietly, leaning against the doorframe. "Did ya forget about me?"

"Darcy," he groaned. "I'm so sorry."

"What happened?"

"I have a concussion and two cracked ribs. They're insisting on keeping me for observation overnight." Steve said, the unhappiness at that plan apparent in his voice.

"How did that happen?" Darcy asked, because breaking a super soldier took a lot of work.

"That would be my fault, ma'am," said a sardonic voice, hiding in the shadows. Darcy managed to keep her cool as a dark haired man in jeans, motorcycle boots, and a leather jacket stepped forward from the other side of the hospital bed.

"And you are..." Darcy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"James Barnes," he said, tipping an imaginary hat.

"Ah," Darcy said, as the pieces fell into place. "AKA Bucky, according to Steve, and the Winter Soldier according to our lovely friends in the KGB. Do you have a preference?" she asked, unable to contain the snark in her last question.

"Bucky will work," he said, matching her snark tit for tat. "And you are…?" he asked, giving her an appraising once over, raising a mocking eyebrow at her unassuming trench coat.

Darcy smirked as she unbelted her coat, laid it over the arm of the chair, and leaned back against the door, dress hugging her curves as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Darcy Lewis. I babysit superheroes, force feed scientists and occasionally maim Norse gods." Darcy felt as if she had scored a point in their sparring match as she noticed Bucky was entranced by her rack, same as any other man.

"And you're here in an official capacity, to check up on poor Steve here?" he asked, the hint of a mischievous grin on his face.

"Oh no, I'm off the clock now," she said as she walked over and sat on the edge of Steve's hospital bed, between the two men.

"Bucky, play nice with Miss Lewis." Steve chastised his oldest friend.

Bucky grinned at him, then winked at Darcy. "Oh, I don't think we'll have a problem playing nice." He said smoothly. "Unless you're more of a naughty type…?"

Darcy gave a throaty laugh as she crossed her legs silkily. Watching his eyes trace the seams, she said, "Only if the occasion calls for it."

Steve's rib cracking back into place interrupted their snark/flirt fest. Darcy immediately turned to him, hiking up her skirt and curling one leg on the bed. "You okay, Cap?" she asked, concern in her voice.

He waved his hands. "Yes ma'am, I'm fine. Just gotta wait for everything to heal. It'll only take a few more hours."

Darcy scooted forward until she was sitting hip to hip with Steve on the bed, holding his hand. She couldn't help but smile at him while he blushed at her closeness. "Well, hurry it up soldier, because you are late for a very important date."

Bucky snorted as Steve gave her a confused look. Shooting daggers at Bucky, she patted Steve on the arm. "Note: we need to add _Alice in Wonderland _to your movie list." Turning back to Bucky, she glared at him. "And how exactly did you incapacitate my date? Because I worked really hard on this outfit and I'm gonna be pissed if it goes to waste."

"Apparently, not all of my triggers have been totally eradicated. Steve was there when I first came around and I…reacted without thinking." Bucky said, slightly ashamed.

Darcy shrugged. "Eh, shit happens. That's why there's a fire extinguisher, a first aid kit and a fifth of whiskey on every floor in Stark Tower. Solves every problem…or at least makes it suck less." At Bucky's incredulous look, she added, "Obviously, you haven't met Tony Stark yet.

* * *

Steve watched as his best friend (he couldn't quite reconcile Bucky with the Winter Soldier persona; he was first and foremost _Bucky _in Steve's mind) and Darcy exchanged witty barbs. It was almost eerie, how alike they were in their brashness and flirtatiousness.

But then again, maybe his concussed brain was seeing things.

"You look really pretty, Darcy," he said shyly, his concussed brain moving too slowly to filter his mouth. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Bucky rolling his eyes at his awkwardness. Some things never change.

But Darcy just grinned at him. "Why thanks, Steve. I worked real hard on that tonight. I mean, check these babies out." Using his arm for support, Darcy swung her legs around until, weirdly enough, she was lying on his bed, her head at his knees, and her feet leaning against the wall by his shoulder. Steve watched, thoroughly entranced, as her skirt slid down her thighs, revealing the tops of her stocking and her garters – making her look exactly like a pin up girl.

In the corner of his lust addled mind, he could hear Bucky whistle appreciatively and ask him how he had managed to get a date with this girl, lucky bastard. Steve couldn't form a coherent thought by that point, let alone a full sentence. He just admired the curve of Darcy's thighs and the way her back arched against him and damn if he wasn't feeling warm in places that were…not uncomfortable, but not exactly opportune at the moment, either. Reaching out without thinking, he traced the seam from her calf to right above her knee. Steve felt his face growing warmer as a blush spread. If Darcy didn't slap if for being so forward…

Instead, Darcy giggled as he passed over the back of her knees – evidently, he had found a ticklish spot. "I know, right?" she joked as she spun back around into a seating position and sliding her skirt back down. "They're pretty much 100% awesome."

Bucky cleared his throat, drawing Steve's attention away from Darcy's neverending curves. "Miss Lewis," he drawled, making her name sound seductive in a way Steve never could emulate, "I could fill in for Steve here. I'm sure I can show you a good time," he added with a smirk that, in Steve's experience, was guaranteed to make dames forget about him and follow Bucky into the night.

Steve resigned himself to losing _another _date to Bucky. He was surprised – no, shocked – when Darcy turned down Bucky's offer. "I think I'll pass," she said in a voice that somehow implied disdain and appreciation in the same tone. "Steve, how about we hit up JARVIS for a movie? I can probably rig my tablet to the TV, and I'm sure I've got popcorn stashed somewhere in my office."

Steve nodded, and Darcy got up to dig in her bag for her electronics. Steve smiled to himself, ridiculously happy. For the first time in his long life, Bucky was getting a taste of what Steve had gone through; if finding some happiness at that thought was a bad thing, well…Steve was only human.

* * *

Darcy turned and gave Bucky a pointed look, trying to tell him to _get the fuck out and let me seduce your friend, please and thank you_. He gave her a shit-eating grin, pointedly ignoring the message she was trying to get across. Darcy rolled her eyes at his antics. "Barnes, can I show you back to wherever you're supposed to be on my way to get popcorn?" Darcy asked, faking the niceties.

Bucky just wiggled in his chair, pretending to get comfortable."Nah, l'm good. But make sure you get the kind with extra butter," he said cheekily.

Darcy stood, hands on her hips as she held her tablet. Giving Bucky her best impression of a Fury glare, she gestured at the door. "This is a date, darlin'," she drawled, "not a group party. See you around."

They had a staring contest, and after a few minutes, Steve finally broke it. "If you don't mind, Bucky…?" he asked tentatively. "We can catch up tomorrow. Plus, I'm sure Natasha wants to talk to you."

Bucky grimaced. "Yeah, talk…I'm sure." Stretching (and Darcy isn't ashamed to admit she totally got a glimpse of his abs and dayummm, son), he stood and walked towards the door. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do, punk," he tossed over his shoulder.

"Which is what, exactly?" Steve asked. "Jerk," he added laughingly.

Bucky waved and left, leaving the two alone. "I can leave and send him back if you would rather catch up. I'd totally understand." Darcy said, suddenly feeling guilty about hogging Steve when his supposedly dead best friend returned from the grave.

(What was it with SHIELD? Did no one stay dead?)

Steve shook his head. "I've already missed one important date. I'd really like to not miss another," he said earnestly, albeit shyly.

Darcy about died on the inside. "Um...okay," she said, trying to hide how insanely flattered she was. "Chinese food?"

* * *

Within twenty minutes, the takeout arrived (oh, the miracles of super secret government powers), and Darcy had found what she decided was the best date movie ever on JARVIS's network.

She walked back over to Steve. "So, which is your uninjured side?" He pointed at his left side, and Darcy sat down on the edge of the bed, unbuckling her shoes. As he held the food, she lifted the blankets and slid into the bed next to him. (Thank the gods for overly large superheroes who need plus size hospital beds.) Taking back her carton of chicken fried rice, she started _The Princess Bride_.

They ate their food in silence, occasionally interspersed with Darcy quoting along with the movie or Steve asking a question. About the time Buttercup was getting kidnapped, they had finished their food, so Darcy sat the empty containers on the floor.

Abandoning any pretense of formality, she lifted Steve's arm (unf, biceps, drool) and looped it over her shoulders. As he tensed up, she curled up on his chest. "Relax, Steve," she said, patting his pectoral (okay, maybe she felt him up a little bit, don't judge).

As Fezzik started rhyming, Darcy could feel Steve relaxing, and by the time the eels attack, they are comfortably entwined – or, at least as comfortable as you can be in a hospital bed.

It's not exactly the date either one of them were planning on, but it's somehow better than that.


	13. The Other-Other Job

The credits were rolling on _The Princess Bride _when Darcy's phone started chirping insistently. She swore under her breath, hoping the annoying tones wouldn't wake Steve, who had fallen asleep not long after she had cuddled up next to him. Stretching her foot out from beneath the blankets, she hooked her purse with a toe and dragged it over to the bed.

As she leaned over the edge of the bed to dig her phone out, Steve suddenly wrapped his large frame around her, mumbling in his sleep. The phone momentarily forgotten, Darcy stroked Steve's hair back from his face as she studied the sleeping super soldier. His golden hair, normally perfectly in place, was now messy and brushed against his (obscenely long) eyelashes. In repose, the worry line that seemed permanently etched into his forehead disappeared. Darcy could see glimpses of the frail boy Steve used to be in the curve of his spine as he curled up in the fetal position around her.

The mechanical chirping started again, and Darcy fumbled in her clutch for the offending piece of technology. "Hello?" she whispered.

"Darcy, darling. I need a favor." The silky smooth voice of her other-other boss came across the phone lines.

"Depends on what it is, Raven," Darcy capitulated. The last time she had agreed to a favor before knowing what it was, she had ended up with a pickup bed full of street signs and no bra. (Ah…good times.)

"Both Clarissa and Jeanne called in sick, so I need someone to work the floor tonight."

"Seriously?!" Darcy whispered harshly. "I'm on a date here!"

"Well, wrap it up. We have not one, but two bachelor parties coming in tonight and I desperately need someone on the floor who can keep their shit together. I'll pay you time and a half…" Raven said enticingly.

"Time and a half plus a bottle of tequila." Darcy offered.

"Deal. How soon can you be here?"

Darcy glanced at the clock on the wall, then down at her sleeping date. "Give me 45 minutes," she sighed.

"Wonderful. I'm sure Logan will be excited to see you." Darcy could hear the glimmer of a grin in Raven's voice

"Logan?"

"Oh, yes. One of the bachelor parties is for an X-man. Remy, I believe."

Oh, jeebus Christ on a cracker. This was going to be good.

* * *

After Raven hung up, Darcy flung her phone back into her bag. She gently tried to extricate herself from Steve, but he just wrapped himself tighter around her. Which, frankly, was adorable, except….

His face was smack dab in the middle of her cleavage.

"Steve? Steven. Wake up." Darcy said, nudging his shoulders. He mumbled something that sounded like "ten more minutes," and pulled her even closer.

"Seriously, Steve? Why are you so damn cute?" Darcy sighed. Louder, she said, "Steve. Wake up," as she all but shoved his shoulders.

Immediately and abruptly, Steve woke up. With a jerk and a twitch, he sat up and scooted as far away from Darcy as he could in the hospital bed. "Dammit Darcy- I mean – oh, geez, I'm so so sorry," he apologized profusely as a blush spread across his (perfectly sculpted, damn the man) cheekbones.

Darcy waved her hand at him as she started buckling her shoes back on. "Steven, it's fine. You are recovering from two broken ribs. Although, I don't think you're supposed to be sleeping with a concussion." She sat up suddenly. "Steven, did you just _cuss_?!"

He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Um…yes ma'am. I do apologize for that though."

Darcy feigned a shocked expression. "Why, Steven, that's…that's…" A wicked grin crossed her face. "Surprisingly attractive."

He shrugged, an innocent expression on his face as well. "Well, I was in the Army."

Darcy stood up next to his bed and pivoted to face him. Leaning over and placing her palms on the bed, she asked, "Can you out-cuss Fury?"

Steve opened his mouth, closed it, and pretended to think. After a moment, he shrugged as a surprisingly cocky grin crossed his face.

Darcy gaped like a fish. "Oh, Steve. That is ridiculously attractive. I expect to hear ALL about this special talent of yours later," she said as she put her trench back on.

Steve realized that Darcy was preparing to leave. "Where are you going?" he asked, sounding a little like a lost child.

"My boss called me in," she said as she gathered up her tablet and their food containers.

Steve reflexively reached for his shield. "Is there another emergency?"

"Oh! No, not that boss." Darcy responded, motioning him to lie back down.

"Another development with the Bifrost?" he asked confusedly.

"No, not that boss either. My other-other boss." Steve looked at Darcy, his brows furrowed in confusion. Laughing softly, she reached out and smoothed the line out of his forehead. "Don't worry your pretty little head, Cap. My other-other job isn't world-threatening or –changing in any way." He relaxed as she repetitively stroked his forehead, the worry easing out of his face and shoulders. "Thanks for the date, Cap. We should do it again sometimes," she said, smiling. "But now, I have to go."

"I'm sorry our date got ruined, Darcy," he said quietly as she reached the door.

"We ate good food, watched an excellent movie, and cuddled. I'd say it was a quality date," she replied with a bright smile. "Now finishing healing, soldier. I left the movie if you wanted to watch what you missed." Blowing him an ostentatious kiss, Darcy headed out of the medical wing and out into the city.

* * *

As she sat in the back of the cab (no way was she riding the subway this late at night without her Taser), Darcy's phone chirped once. Pulling it out, she saw she had a text message from none other than Steve.

_By the way, I also learned to speak a little in German, French, Italian, and Spanish as well._

Quickly followed by, _Don't tell Tony._

Darcy quickly tapped out a response. _Prove it, soldier boy._

After a minute, his response came. _Je veux vas te faire encule insensée._

Darcy did a quick Google translate search, and her eyes almost popped out of her head. The only response she could type back was _Damn. Okay._

Was Steve actually….flirting with her?

* * *

As the cab pulled up to the back door of the club, her phone chirped again. Eagerly, Darcy opened the message, but it was just Raven asking where she was.

"Alright, I'm here, let's rock this bitch like it's 1955!" Darcy said with a flair as the back door bangs shut behind her.

"Oh, darling, you look so…demure." Raven says with a sigh. "Please, undo some buttons or something. We must keep our patrons entertained."

Darcy rolled her eyes and undid another button on the neckline of her dress, as well as most of the ones running up the side. At Raven's nod of approval, she grabbed a tray and went to work.

The mutant groom-to-be was a spicy Cajun with floppy hair and flashing red eyes. Logan introduced him as Gambit, but the taller man swooped over Darcy's hand and told her, "please, call me Remy, _mon chere_."

Darcy giggled and set down the pitchers of beer and mugs that they had ordered. "I'm sure Miss Anna Marie will appreciate that," she replied with an arched eyebrow, her own Southern accent peeking through.

Logan guffawed as Remy pretended to look chastised. He raised his now-full mug to her in a toast. "To Southern girls – may their wit remain as big as their…hair," Remy finished, with a glance at her chest. He clinked his glass with Logan's, and Darcy just sighed.

It was going to be an interesting night.

* * *

Steve had been released from the medical bay around midnight, so he had gathered up Bucky and headed back to the Tower. They had spent the next few hours chatting about their shared past, and Steve eventually introduced him to the Avengers he didn't already know.

Around 3 am, they were all lounging around in the media suite, watching reruns of some TV show and just hanging out, when two Southern accents singing "Friends in Low Places" echoed through the hallway, followed by an exasperated growl and a youthful laugh.

"JARVIS, since when were tourists allowed in my Tower?" Tony asked imperiously. "I don't like people in my elevator." Pepper rolled her eyes at that statement.

"Sir, Miss Lewis is returning home, and seems to have brought…_friends_." JARVIS replied, the distaste in his voice rolling in waves off the last word.

"It's probably just Logan," Jane mumbled from where she was half-asleep on the couch, her head pillowed on Thor's thigh.

"I'll be as high as that Stark Tower that you're livin' in!" a man sang as Darcy belly-laughed. The two stumbled in the media room, followed by a shorter man with mutton chops and a young man with piercing blue eyes.

"Oh I'm not big on social graces, think I'll slip on down to the Oasis!" Darcy stumbled through, ending it with jazz hands worthy of Glee.

Steve recognized the man with muttonchops from some old missions in Madripoor. "Logan," he said with a brief nod.

"Cap, this your girl now?" the man returned with a wry grin. "Ya might want to contain her before she falls over. Or outta that dress."

Steve glanced over at Darcy. Her dress was unbuttoned on the side, and mis-buttoned in the front. Her previously perfect red lipstick was now a little smeared, and wayward curls had all but escaped the updo they were in earlier. She leaned against her singing partner, one eye almost closed as she smiled lopsidedly. His mind instantly raced to conclusions that he didn't really want to think about, and then he felt guilty for assuming such things about Darcy.

"Dudebros! And miss ladies as well," she suddenly proclaimed with an expansive hand gesture that almost sent her toppling over. Steve reached to catch her, but she managed to maintain her balance. Righting herself, she continued. "I would like you to meet some of your superhero brethren. That dudebro is Wolverine," she said, pointing at Logan. "This one is Gambit," she said, patting the man she was leaning on, "and that cutie patootie is Iceman. He's a baby," she stage whispered the last sentence as the younger man waved awkwardly.

"We just wanted to make sure Darcy got home safely. After her shift ended, Remy – Gambit," he said, pointing at the man, "convinced her to stay with us and do tequila shots. It was his bachelor party," Bobby offered as an explanation.

Logan extracted Darcy from Remy and walked her over to Steve. Feeling self-conscious, Steve just let her lean against him drunkenly while Logan collected his fellow X-men and led them out the door. "It was nice meetin' ya, _cher_!" Remy yelled over his shoulder.

"You too darlin'!" Darcy drawled out. She then leaned further into Steve, and sighed contentedly. "You smell like hospital," she said as the place quieted down, wrinkling her nose.

"You smell like cigar smoke," he whispered in her ear as Tony started to lecture her on bringing strangers into his precious Tower.

"Your mom smells like cigar smoke," she replied saucily.

Steve now understood that 'your mom' jokes were socially acceptable, due to a pop culture lecture after Darcy and Clint spent a breakfast trading said jokes. Since the day had been long, and he was tired, he decided to drop the manners he clung to like a life raft and return Darcy's banter. "Your mom smells like Dr. Doom," he whispered back.

"Your mom smells like Volstagg," she returned quickly.

"Your mom smells like Deadpool."

"Your mom smells like Tony's puke-green shakes!"

The two looked at each other as Tony's tirade washed over them. Almost simultaneously, Steve and Darcy started sniggering, which lead to full-blown belly-shaking laughter. "Well, I'm glad you find SECURITY BREACHES funny, Lewis." Tony said, pouting.

"I find your FACIAL HAIR funny!" Darcy shouted drunkenly. Steve bent over in laughter as the rest of the Avengers started giggling as well.

If this is what dating Darcy entailed, Steve could go along with that.

* * *

Steve managed to corral Darcy up to her floor and into her room. He convinced her to drink a glass of water and take two aspirin before she flopped face down into her bed. Smiling to himself, he set another glass of water and two more aspirin on her nightstand before letting himself out of her suite.

Bucky was waiting for him outside her door. "So...your date seems interesting," he said by way of a greeting.

"She reminds me a little of you," Steve replied as he led the way to the bank of elevators. At Bucky's stare, he continued. "You're both a little brash and so very...confident in who you are."

Bucky snorted contemptuously. "Maybe seventy years ago, Cap, but not anymore."

The two sat in silence as the elevator rode up to the guest floor, where Bucky was momentarily staying. Right before the car reached the floor, Steve turned to Bucky and said, "You know you're still my best friend, right? No matter what happened between then and now."

Bucky sighed tiredly, the lights in the elevator glinting off his metal arm as he ran his hand through his hair. "I've done a lot of things, Cap. Things you wouldn't approve of. Things you'd be fighting _against_."

Steve reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. (It was strange, being able to look Bucky in the eye. All of Steve's memories involve looking up to Bucky, both literally and metaphorically.) "It's just Steve," he said simply.

For a moment, the two men stared at each other, as old memories started to bubble to the surface in their brains. "G'night, Steve," Bucky finally said with a small smile as he stepped out of the elevator.


End file.
